Letter to myself:

Dear Me,

You have been a part of me for too long. The same keys and fingers I am using to type this letter to you you have used to destroy so much of my life. You have lied and lied to me about what you have to offer and where help will come from. Each time you leave me a little more broke than the last. Each time I’m more afraid that I will never get out. I was afraid of you. I’m not now. Nothing you can do to me will ever be beyond what Christ has done for me. Nothing you can offer me will ever be more than he has already given me. You can try to tell me it’s not a big deal and it doesn’t matter and it’s ok but we both know it isn’t. Porn has never done anything for me that you said it would do. It hasn’t taken away any of the pain from rejection I feel. It hasn’t made me feel good about myself or about who I am. It hasn’t healed any of the hurt. Just the opposite. It has made me feel sick. It’s made me feel depressed. It’s made my hate myself. It’s made me hate women. It’s made me hate any guy more attractive than me. It’s made me feel worthless. It has been the nails that nailed JESUS to the cross. But while you were busy nailing him to the cross he was busy too. He was busy buying me with the most precious price he could. He was busy paying for my pain and regret. He was busy redeeming the way I look at myself and others. He was busy saving me from you. I am worth saving to Him. You only use me. He gave up everything for me. Nothing you can ever do can take me from Him. You can’t have me. I was meant for more than pornography. I was meant for more than pain. I was meant for more than death and his death brought be back to life so that I could live. And I will live. Without you. It’s time that I was honest with myself and with you and you were honest with me. Porn is not what you say it is. I’m not who you say I am. You are not who I think you are. If I have to die to be free from you and to be His then I want to because being yours is being dead. You are not strong you’re weak. And that’s ok. Because I’m not strong ether. I’m weak. But Jesus is strong. Strong enough to save me. And as crazy as it is strong enough to save you too. As long as I am in the flesh I know you won’t stop lying and deceiving me. I know you won’t stop loving for the things of this world. But let me tell you this. The Holy Spirit lives in me and He is in charge. And he won’t stop ether. He won’t stop loving and caring and drawing me away from this world and to Christ and His kingdom. And one day JESUS will split the sky and come back as the only true king there ever was. And you. Even you. You will be redeemed. Flesh you are a slave to sin. But one day you will be free. But until then you are not my master. Jesus is. And he loves me and he loves you. It isn’t going to be easy for you or for me. But He will win and in the end we will both me free and loved.

I love you

Letter from my sex addict:

Dear Matt,

You think this is over? No way. How many times have you tried to stop looking? How many times have you failed? No one will ever love you and no one will ever accept you. Just do what you want and enjoy yourself because this is hopeless. Sure maybe one day Jesus will come back but until then you are mine. Nothing you can ever do will change who you are. Nothing can keep you from me. I will always be there and I will always be in control. You are unacceptable so just admit that and enjoy fake intimacy because that’s all you will ever know. You will never be strong enough to beat me. Because you are me. You want this. You aren’t changed and you never will be