Letter to myself:

This has to stop. I cannot for the life of me continue to do what I know to be completely wrong on multiple levels. As a Christian I know it is wrong not only to myself but also to those around me and to those I see in the images and videos. They are daughters of someone out there who whether they will admit it or not are just as distraught about their child’s situation as I am for looking at them. The secret may not be as heavy on the outside and I have hid it so long it probably doesn’t even weigh that much. I have no doubt the guilt and underlying stress of the problem has been hurting me for years.

I have gone to great lengths in trying to find ways to feed my addiction. To some it may seem benign compared to others but to me even the simplest thing is a problem. I am afraid that if I continue I will not be able to have a fruitful relationship with my future wife. Even a dating relationship with someone I believe I could marry. My addiction pushed me to give in and sleep with my ex-girlfriend. I no longer hold the value of being a virgin for my future wife. I truly believe if I had not found pornography I would have been able to fight the temptation and remain a virgin.

I know the tendencies and the scenarios where I am the most vulnerable to the addiction. When I am alone in my apartment, with my door closed when others are present, home alone, and even sometimes when people are present but cannot see my computer. I thought that by being in locations where internet is difficult to obtain the feeling would subside. Unfortunately I use my mobile data even when there is a data limit per month. I am coming up with excuses to my family on why I am running out of data so quickly.

In order to try and work on removing the temptation I need to put myself in more public situations. If I need to work on my laptop I need to do so in the living room or in school building itself. When more people are present, the chances of me taking part in pornography diminish. When I shower I need to leave my phone in my room. when I am going to be I need to shutdown my laptop and put my phone away from the bed so it makes it harder to get up and grab it. I may even need to stop watching certain shows so the chance of seeing something that will arouse me does not occur. I need to study the Bible more and be in prayer more often, even to the point that every time I feel the urge to happen that I should drop and pray that moment.

There will come a time that I need to tell someone about my addiction but I am not strong enough or courageous enough. I am not the spiritual man or Godly man that I should be and I have a long road to go.

Letter from my sex addict:

The only person you are affecting is yourself. You enjoyed the time you had with your ex-girlfriend and even after you did it the first time you continued for nearly 4 years. Even when you knew it was wrong and stopped actual intercourse you continued with oral sex. She knew about your addiction and continued to date you so there are women out there who don’t care. Yes she said she would leave you if you continued, but you kept it a secret and she never knew so you can continue to hide it. The urge is natural so it doesn’t hurt to give in. It’s probably even healthy for your body. God is a forgiving God, he will understand the pressures and carnal desires of man, He made you so He knows. It’s not going to destroy your life and no one else has to know.