my dual personality due to by porn addiction.

Letter to myself:

Dear Addicted G.L,

I hate the person that you become when you get triggered to watch porn. It’s like I scream at you to regain control of yourself. I kneel and I pray fervently to God for you to hear Him and follow Him when struggle hits you hard. On the good days, you might listen and the temptation flees. But on the bad days I can spend hours of prayer and it’s like your brain doesn’t care. It simply doesn’t care.

I am glad that we don’t do this every day, and for that I am grateful to the Lord! Only He knows how much your actions depress me. You make me ashamed of myself, I cannot look at myself in the mirror after you’re gone, because to this day I cannot comprehend how every single time you knock, I open the door.

I really don’t like your visits, because you make me be someone that I am not and you make me do things that I don’t want to do. I love the Lord, and when you gain control of me, I disappoint Him. I let Him down. And why?… I don’t know why, because it’s never worth it. Yet, the very next time you come around, it’s like your charm allows me to let you in and when you leave I’m left emptier than every before.

It’s not right! I’m tired of being tired of being ashamed. I am tired of feeling dirty, and nasty, and worthless after your visits. You’re not welcome here, and I pray to God that He’ll give me the strength to simply say no and move on the very next time you decide to show up.

Every time you come, you draw a massive wedge between God and me, and you make me feel like I’ve given Satan one more win. I’m tired of that. I hate Satan, and I don’t want him to get any kind of satisfaction out of my life. I want to live my life for God and for Him alone. I don’t want any part of the things of this world.

The thought of an easier life, where I accept everything as good it doesn’t matter whether or not it’s actually good, sounds tempting at times. It sounds easy, and convenient for the time being. Going against popularity, and staying above the influence of society in all aspects and matters of a Christian life is hard. It is incredibly difficult. I thought it would have been easier than this, but it is not. The truth of the matter is that, even though going with the current seems easier, because it requires less work now, it isn’t the rewarding way to go.

I want to put in the hard work now, so that I can rejoice with God later. I want to go against the current. I want to take the narrow gate, the unbeaten path, the uncharted road. That is hard work, and because it’s hard it is also fulfilling. This life God has chosen for my is hard as it is, and I certainly do not need you coming into it to try to drag me back to where I used to be. I don’t want to be in darkness anymore. And every time you come around, I feel like my life and my body has been stained with a permanent black marker. I understand that the power of Jesus’ blood is greater than anyone and anything in this world. I know that His cleansing power is going to keep cleansing me from my sins and is going to keep cleansing me from darkness. But please, please, I beg you…go away, because I want to remain pure! Please go away and never come back. You’re not welcome in my life. I am sick of sinning against God and against my own body. You’ve only harmed me. You’ve harmed me in so many ways.

Sincerely,

GL

Letter from my sex addict:

Dear Normal G.L.

I hate who I am, because in a strange and twisted way, I have no maliciousness. When I am triggered to watch porn, I try to resist, but other times it’s too difficult to even think about resisting. Some days it’s just easier to give in and get it over with. The struggle is real, and some days I feel like there’s simply no way out.

Normal G.L, I am afraid! I am afraid that I’ll always experience crazy, irresistible temptations, and I cannot seem to comprehend the concept of NEVER releasing sexual tension every again. The very thought of writing that makes me panic just a little bit. I need to release sexual tension! Talking me out of masturbation or watching porn is not satisfying. There are days when the temptation and the mood for sex is so strong that I really don’t care about how you’re going to feel or how God is going to feel. I understand completely your feelings, and I cannot even imagine how much more disappointed and sad the Lord is. I do think about those things when I am amidst my sin, but I don’t seem to be able to stop. I just need to get rid of the sexual tension.

See, I am afraid in a way. I am afraid that I am never going to find my future husband. For a long time I’ve been looking and I haven’t been able to find him. In fact, I haven’t been able to catch a decent young man’s interest in me, and I wished I was able to do that. I want the chance to get married. I want the chance to experience sex the way that God intended it to be! But, what if it never happens? The Bible explicitly says that we cannot have pre-marital sex. I’ve NEVER had pre-marital sex! I want to experience sex, and I want to be able to release my sexual tensions.

For a while I thought that it was okay to release them by watching porn, because I wasn’t actually “acting-out.” I wasn’t having actual sex with an actual man, therefore I wasn’t breaking the basic rule of “No sex outside of marriage.” But in the year, months and days leading to my conversion to Christianity, I started changing that point of view. I knew that it was unacceptable, and I’ve tried to give it up. I hope that I haven’t messed up our brain, because we’ve been exposed to porn for so long (can’t even remember the first exposure). All I know is that I kept telling myself that I could quit any time I wanted, but that I wouldn’t quit because masturbating felt too good to quit.

I remember one time as a teenager, I tried to quit, but the temptations were to strong for me to do that.. I kept going and going and going. I got to college and one night things got somewhat ugly, but thank God that it didn’t go as far as it could have gone. I regret that night a lot. Every time it plays in my head, I beat myself up for it. Then I remember that Christ died for me and that there’s no reason o be thinking about the past.

After becoming a Christian, I tried giving up watching porn. For several months at a time, I was very successful. In fact, a lot of the temptation had gone down to the point where I thought it was over! Perhaps I let my guard down, because for close to half of a year, I didn’t watch porn or masturbate! That’s when it came back, and that was the worse blow of all. It depressed me for several days. I felt horrible too. Ever since then, I haven’t been able to stop showing up… at least every once in a while.

I want to be gone. I do not want to hurt God or us anymore. I don’t want to cause any more damage to you brain, your body, and most importantly, your relationship with God.

Perhaps I should let go of fear, and realize that everything will be okay even if I were to never find that special someone.

I am so sorry for all the trouble I’ve cause… I meant no harm. I seriously didn’t believe it when they told me that porn would ruin my brain and my life. In some ways it has done some serious damage, but the Lord has been very gracious to you and to me. He’s been so gracious and loving. We certainly do not deserve this… I do not deserve it. With that same grace and that same love, I hope and I have faith that the Lord will deliver us from the bondage and that we’ll be set free from controlling things in our lives.

Sincerely,

Addict G.L.