Letter to myself:
Addict in me,
I don’t remember how you came into my life. When I was 12 years old, I got my personal computer for the first time. I was watching some videos on youtube, All of a sudden, I saw a recommended video on the side of video. From the looks of it, It was a picture of an actress who was trying to seduce a man. I got curious and the part of me that was completely hidden inside you came out of its shell and took control over the moment. I still regret the moment when I lost my innocence watching the video. However, I was able to control myself but I was scared for life because if my parents came to know that I was watching these kind of videos, they will get angry and disown me. That fear took control over me and I was able to control myself for a long time. Until, that one day, when a pop up opened and it showed a video of a young girl having sex with an older man. I got curious in my thinking and it kind of created erection which was painful to bear and I started masturbating, From that day onwards, I started looking at porn and masturbate myself.
Whenever I was by myself, you made me feel that I always need this. You made me watch porn everyday when no one was home. You brought all these fantasies inside my head and I started going to different porn websites and started reading erotic stories. You were just taking control over my fascination and then it just went above and beyond. I saw women who were just so pleasured having sex with men. You just took control over my fantasies and then just opened up links which I didn’t want to see. I started seeing things that are incest and taboo in nature and I was getting pleasure by it. I started seeing videos of old men having sex with the teen girls who are their granddaughter’s age. Oh, how I lost my innocence of sex completely. When I went to psychology class and heard about Freud’s theory, you were just winning over me but my goodness was defeated.
As I got older and mature, I started realizing that what I was doing was wrong. I went cold turkey from porn and it worked for some days but you just came back putting different ideas in my head and I just needed to look for more and more and more. I am really active in my church but because of lust and impurity of myself, I was not able to look at anyone without having a sexual thought, I started masturbating and started spending time masturbating after masturbating. You just went above and beyond with bringing all these fantasies and made my head filled with all these thoughts.
You did not leave my family behind as well and I started lusting my aunts and my cousins, I am so mad inside myself. When I went to college and joined a christian club, I started lusting girls over there too. You were just undressing them in front of my eyes and having sex with them. You did not give me any choice. I cannot handle myself anymore. I cannot look with purity with any of my friends. I cannot be honest about it, because I can’t think about their reactions. I started hiding myself and I was never able to commit myself into anything. I was not able to go into any relationship. I was not able to have a good conversation with a girl without having a sexual thoughts.
However, when I felt I was completely lost, my campus staff worker decided to talk with me and he kind of understood what I was going through. He wanted to become my accountability partner and I gave him the opportunity. I thought he will be able to take care and responsibility of me. He put accountability software in all my electronic devices and just wanted to be honest about everything.
But, this did not last long. I don’t know how you can be so creative and just started putting new fascinations inside my head. All the software was able to block certain limits but then I factory reseted all my electronics and I started watching and reading all this erotic stories. I went to all these conferences and I always rededicate my life to Christ and decide to get help but then I always push them away.
You have started playing emotionally with me. My education is getting destroyed slowly and I am not able to concentrate properly on my studies. I failed all my classes and now I’m on the verge of breakdown. I cry to myself every single day because I’m not able to lift my burdens. I am chained to the problems. I’m not able to look at anyone properly. I am not able to make eye contact with anyone when I’m talking to someone. You have played with my insecurities and made me more afraid of everything rather than being openly talking about anything. I’ve hit stages of depression and anxiety. I cannot handle any more.
This is it. Now, as I’m sitting today writing this letter. Now I know this is the end. Now I’m going to let go of myself and let God take control over me. I always took the love of my God, my friends, and families who love and care, for granted. This year, I’ve made mistakes and I know for sure writing this letter won’t be the end to my problem. However I want to understand the love of my Jesus who died for me in the cross so that he can remove my sins, break down all the chains, clean me from my dirt, and make me a whole new Son of God, My prices have been paid on that cross and I just need to hold onto him. Starting from this course, I want to take time everyday in meditation with my God repenting . I want to come clean without hiding anything. I want to do bible study everyday and get peace and satisfaction in his word. I want to be able to openly have conversation with anyone rather than worrying about anything. I want to love with pure heart. Let me be constantly reminded that I’m not left alone. I am not dead to sin but I’m alive in him. Nothing else matters rather than the love of God.
Letter from my sex addict:
Thanks for the nice letter. Well I don’t care about anything. I am your other half and so far I’ve won so many time. You know the day when you saw your first picture of girl, your curiosity led me become the winner I’m today.
Thanks for the sob story. But what are you gonna do? You are always going to be left behind. You always push yourself away because of your curiosity. I control over you. I am your curiosity, I am your fear, I am your evil conscience who just want to explore and explore something just to bring you back where you are. I’m desperate and I’m the person who never lose because all this years, I’ve defeated the God. You could have done so much with your curiosity and creativity with all your imaginations and fascinations but I took control over it. I perverted your thoughts and I am destroying you faster than before. I know you go into cold turkey and you look for help because of your desperation but I have controlled you. You spend long time in the bathroom with your phone and look for porn. When your parents are not there, you start looking at porn. Whenever you see a movie and see a hot girl, you already lust after her. I have took you to a whole new level where there is no going back. I take control over you by fear and you cannot stop me. You are not going to be open about what you go through because you’ve never been honest properly about important things i your life with your parents. I am going to win because of this. I am going to crush you and you will be my servant forever. Because of this, your future is already destroyed. Your marriage is not going to be fulfilling because you will always compare her with the virtual reality of porn. I’ve brainwashed you so much that there is no HOPE anymore. Even though I can go dormant for some time and you will become really religious but I know which buttons to push that will bring you back to me. I can destroy your friendship and your family life and I can exploit you really well. You will always be chained and will never come off the quicksand that you’re stuck in. I’m powerful over everything. I’ll be with you till I die and you will always be lonely trying to find happiness in porn and hollow sexual relationships.
Your honest and true self