Letter to myself:

Hey there. I can hardly believe that it’s only recently I’ve seen you for who you really are. I always thought that I had you more or less under my control, but it’s obvious now that you’ve been manipulating me from day one. I’m sick of it. I can’t stand being taken advantage of, and of all the people that have used me, you’re by far the worst.
You’ve made me believe for so long that I am worthless. That even though I love God, that God is sickened by me. You got me into it so deep, that I started manipulating people. The very thing I hate, is who I became because of you.
Porn and sex are holding me back from who I could be. I’ve become numb to my Father’s voice, inattentive to those who love me, cold, lonely, sullen and dependent on the one person that I fail with so regularly.
So guess what? You are no longer welcome here.
Sound familiar? I’m sure it does. But this time, I won’t quit. I won’t give in so easily. I hurt every day because of you, I have lost friends, mentors and a church family because of you. So this is your eviction notice. You’re leaving, like it or not.

So here’s what’s up, addict:

1. I’m not yours anymore, I’m His. You want to go up against Him? Be my guest.
2. I’m worth saving. I’m precious to God, my family, my friends, and I’ve got a plan for the future that is awesome.
3. I’m giving up weakness. You say I’m weak? You’re right. But that’s a choice I make. You’ve got me working in conjunction with you, but I’m cutting you off here.
4. I’m going to be honest. You know that this is the hardest one for me, you’ve trained me well in hiding and masking my pain and shame. But I’m done with that. I was an honest man once. I had integrity. I’m going back to that, and I’ll be even better than I was.
5. I’m not a goner. I’m not staying up into the nights contemplating suicide anymore. I’m not going to think about the ways I could take my own life. I’m going to live. I’m going to live and live well. I’ll take the consequences that are coming to me, and I’ll endure.

It’ll take a while to find a new group to join, but I’m not going to be alone anymore. This is the end of your reign man. I hope you enjoyed it while you had it, because there’s a new King on the throne. And he’s the only one worth my time.

This is goodbye.


Letter from my sex addict:

“This is goodbye”. eh? That’s a bold statement there. Bold words from a coward. You’ll never own up to all you’ve done. You know why? Because you’re afraid of losing the few people you have left. So go ahead and tell them, fool. I’ll be waiting for that conversation with a smile and a drink in my hand. You think you have what it takes? This, coming from the guy who almost beat me once before, then gave in at the finish line? You. Don’t. Have. The. Guts.
Admit it little man, you need me. You can’t even imagine a world where I’m not around. You feel the fear twisting in your belly every time you think of a celibate life. You read 1st Corinthians 7 and fear that you are meant to be single forever.
You know what? I say go for it. Be a husband. Start a family, have some kids. I’d love to be a part of that marriage. You think sex with your wife will compare to what I give you? Stop kidding yourself, I’ve got what you really want and we both know it.
But maybe you have the gift of singleness hmm? Sounds terrifying doesn’t it? You can’t even imagine happiness on your own, so how on earth can you be rid of me?
Look kid, the bottom line? You’re a coward. Always have been, always will be. Your fear and I are best buddies, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
So give up now. You might get through a day or three, but you’ll be back. You’ve got a cycle, and I know exactly how it works.
Lonely little fool. Depressed, broken child. You’re mine. Face it, embrace it, let’s go have some fun.

I’ll be waiting.