Letter to myself:
I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to start this. There’s a lot that I want to say, even though I’ve probably said it a million times. Seems as though words are not as powerful as I thought. I hope these words are different.
There are too many days now where I hate you. I hate that the only way you can be happy is through porn and masturbation. I hate that you try and justify it in order to make yourself feel better. I hate that you never take blame for yourself. I guess there’s more aspects of your life that you won’t hold yourself accountable for.
I am ashamed of you. You are a coward and you are weak. I know that because you are weak in this sense, that you can break down at the drop of a hat, you will continue to be weak elsewhere in your life.
I also pity you, I feel sorry for you. I don’t know what happened in your past that caused you to become this person. I don’t know if it was one event or a build-up of multiple events that caused you to become this person. I’m sorry if there was something I could’ve done to stop this, but I guess that’s not going to help either of us.
There were so many times when you wanted to stop. When I believed that you would stop. And you just lied, you continued to lie. It’s amazing how that characteristic of yourself has worked its’ way into so many different facets of your life. You lie about everything. I am struggling to believe that there is not an honest bone in your body. You lied to ****, when you told her you weren’t cheating on her. You lied to your parents, on multiple occasions, your entire life, about everything. Maybe that’s where the secret life started. Hiding everything from mom and dad.
Could you imagine if you had an honest relationship with them from the beginning. You wouldn’t have ended up in that hospital after trying to kill yourself. I’m not sure if you can reconcile that relationship. But we need to start being more honest and open with mom and dad. You will never grow as a man until you fix that relationship with them.
Yes, they can be overbearing, but maybe if you were honest with how you felt. They would be more inclined to ease up, and let you grow. Tell them when you’re angry, when you’re sad, ask them for advice. Don’t just ask them for money.
We are making this change so you can become the man you are meant to be, one who Jackson would be proud of. You are not that man right now, and I don’t know how long it will take to become that man. But if it doesn’t happen now, then I don’t know what will become of you.
I can guarantee that you won’t be happy. The path to happiness is this one, when you start opening up to people. When you start letting people into who you are, not everyone, but the people who matter.
Brady is a good start.
I’m not sure where you will need to get inspiration from, maybe from writing more, maybe from reading more, I’m not sure. But you have to figure it out on your own. You have people who are willing to support you but you need to be open about this.
I want you to be happy again. Like when Grandpa was alive. I miss that kid.
Letter from my sex addict:
For still believing in me, and still trying to save me.
I can fill this letter with a thousand apologies but it wouldn’t change anything. For too long have I been a man of cheap words, my word doesn’t mean anything anymore. I was told that a man’s word is his bond. I’ve forgotten that.
I promise to try my very best. I promise to rebound from mistakes and be open and honest with those around me. I promise to pray more. Even if I don’t think I’m being heard. I promise to be truthful about my feelings and intentions.
I promise to make you proud of me.