Letter to myself:
I don’t want to be mean to you. I don’t see you as mean or purposely destructive, but as self-serving and overcome with the wrong focus. You’re driven by a small fix that leads to large consequences. And if I let this continue, they will become larger.
I will lose the things I love and find joy in if I let you continue to run free. If I stop fighting, I could lose the things God has called me to. And I am understanding more and more the gravity of this risk I take every time I open up that browser window. I could lose everything, and it would be all your fault.
So now, I need to protect me and you from you. I need to step in and do what is best for both of us, because it is my responsibility to do so. Stepping aside and allowing you to continue is a recipe for disaster. I will take back control today, and I will find a way out of this. What you don’t see is that you are trading the the massive blessings and joys of true intimacy for a small, temporary shot of adrenaline. You’re choosing “feeling good momentarily” over “feeling joy deeply”. And that’s an exchange I cannot allow anymore.
Here is what I am going to do…
1. I am going to pick up my Bible whenever I want to look at porn or masturbate. That will be hard, but I know that I can do this.
2. I will spend the next 30 days totally porn and masturbation free. I think we will both find our lives are happier, less stressful, and more joyful for it.
3. I will read resources and books to focus on the good and right plan of God rather than the self-serving plan of you.
4. I will remind myself daily that God loves me, and that His love is what makes His rules. He knows what is best, and this is not it.
5. If I fail, I will get back up and continue. I can’t quit. I refuse to quit.
I know this will be a big change. I know it may open up things you’re not sure you are ready to deal with. I know it will be hard. But you are worth it and so am I. I will reclaim my sexual life for the glory of God and the honor of my future marriage.
And at the end of the day, I know that you are me and I am you. And we will work this out. Together.
Letter from my sex addict:
I don’t like change. You know this. I will resist it. I will argue and make excuses and fight and make more excuses.
Satan will be right there, whispering the lies in my ears. And it is very easy to listen to him.
And it feels good. It feels very good. Even at the expense of your passions and dreams, it is good. Instant gratification is so much easier than hard work.
But you’re right. I don’t mean to be destructive. I don’t mean to wreck your life. I’m not bad, just set in my ways. I can be a harmless piece of your life, right? That’s how it has been, and it hasn’t caused any problems yet.
You will have to work hard, because I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this, and it will be a struggle. And the second that you relax, I will relax back into my old ways as well.