Hello Self,
As a means to cope with things that have happened in your life, rejection from your mom, never really having the love and acceptance from your dad, experiencing injustice in the church, school, family, and on the job you have turned to some ungodly, destructive, immoral, unhealthy acts. Not because you liked it. In fact there was a dichotomous thing going on in your mind and body, kind of like a fight really. The one thing that you thought was repulsive and disgusting years ago, which it is, you turned to. Trying to feel “better” only to find out that you feel worse. Allowing to enemy to feed you with thoughts, thought that this would make you feel loved, this would make that awful perpetuating pain in your soul go away. The truth is, it didn’t go away, it got worse. You got tired to apologizing to God about what you did, using his beautiful gift of grace and repentance as a license to wallow in your pain. Turning to porn as a means of relief. Yet, you got no relief, only more pain and remorse. NO more excuses. God knows what you have been through. He knows the rejection, hurt, mistreatment. He knows the many times you were overlooked by your mom, neglected by your dad, lied on by family members, taken advantage of when you tried to help people, the injustice you have experienced with “church” people, he knows. Just as he knows this, he knows the power that he possesses to take all of your ashes and give you beauty instead. You know what to do, you just have to trust God enough. You have trusted everything else, thinking porn can take the pressure off, take away the pain, make the hurt stop even if it is just for a minute, etc. It lied! It is an mental illusion! It is a wolf in sheep’s clothing! It desires to steal your time, energy, money. It desires to control you, your mind, your emotions, your will, your body, your life. It is not your friend but an enemy. It wants to kill and utterly destroy you. I speak life into you! I speak healing into you! You can do all things through Christ who strengths you! Even if it hurts while you are doing it. Even if you have to cry. God is with you, walking with you, every step of the way. He wants you to take responsibility for your actions, believe and trust him, really trust him, truly repent (change your heart, mind, and actions), and walk daily in the healing and deliverance that he has given you. Recognize the triggers in your life. God doesn’t want you to manage it, he wants you to be free from it! You can do it! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Love,
Self