Letter to myself:
To the girl who didn’t know better:
You were a victim at such a young age. You didn’t know any better at the time. Your friends talked about doing things with boys and sleeping in beds with them at sleepovers and even “acted out” fake scenarios. YOU DIDN’T KNOW AT THE TIME BUT IT WAS THE START OF IT ALL.
At the young age of twelve you were so impressionable and curious to be completely honest. It didn’t help that you found out later that your dad had a pornography addiction. You started by just searching up what “boy parts” looked like and one thing led to another and you were down in a deep dark hole with seemingly no way out. You couldn’t find the light. You hid behind closed doors and learned how to delete things from history and figured out when you would be alone for a safe amount of time.
No one would ever find out what you struggled with, what your real addiction was.
You didn’t want to admit it. Of course not. Who wants to admit that they aren’t perfect, that they have something so dark and evil deep inside them that they keep from everyone?
You started living two lives. One in the bedroom and one that everyone else saw. The one everyone else saw was a girl with goals and ambitions and had it all going for her.
No one knew that you tore yourself apart from the inside out with porn. You threw your self worth out the window. You didn’t think you’d ever be good enough for any man because you saw what a so-called man really wanted on the computer screen or on your phone screen.
And it just kept getting worse.
You tried so many times to come face to face with it. You told only the few that you thought you could trust. But they weren’t accountable to you. When your parents found out you lied completely. When your dad was honest and open about getting help for himself, and you had the perfect opportunity to be real, you weren’t. You forgave HIM THOUGH! You forgave your dad because you understood that when you have an addiction it completely takes over your life.
You got into a relationship that was not Godly, at all. You took everything you worked for and threw it out the window for some guy who completely and totally cheated on you. So what’s next? Where did you go from there? You kept up the addiction because it was the only thing that never left you. It was something you could completely control on your own in your own little world that no one was apart of but you.
The guy that you thought you loved apart from the difference in religion, the guy that you gave so many chances too, that you gave up your whole future for threw you away like a dirty rag. Like you didn’t matter. He went and lied to you about other girls and kept lying and did everything he could to keep it a secret just like you did… with your addiction. Little did you know.
SO you left. You thought if only I could get away from this place. Start fresh and new. It didn’t feel like running from your problems. It felt like a new beginning. In a way it was… but you let it creep back in, that nasty old addicition. You let it control you again. Not a single person suspected you so you didn’t even have to worry about hiding it at that point. During this time you went so far away… God was always with you but you pushed him aside. You had your bible on your nightstand but it didn’t matter. There was time for that later. You had other priorities.
Again you searched to be accepted. You wanted so bad to be loved like those women in those videos. You wanted so be worshiped like that. But little did you know that wasn’t love… that was pure lust and sin you were watching. Not any of those videos were real. No matter if there was a story at the beginning or if it was two females or males or whatever. No one in those videos or stories or pictures loves, let alone in the way that we are spiritually called to.
You just wanted something that they didn’t have either.
Your idea of love is distorted.
Your idea of sex is messed up.
You didn’t even give yourself enough healing time to fall for a man that was seeking God. You settled… and you continue to.. and now you’ve pushed yourself so far away from God and who he intended for you to be that you don’t even know yourself.
You are scared beyond imagine.
You don’t know who to turn to or even where to begin.
You’ve been hiding for so long that the light scares you.
How are you supposed to let the girl in the bedroom meet the girl that everyone else sees?
How are you supposed to own your problems to Garrett? Especially when you are so unbelievably critical of him…. like really how are you any better than him? YOU ARENT. YOU ARE A SINNNER. YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE DOING, better than anyone else….
You can only play the victim role for so long. Maybe it was a sad “oops” I’m curious at first but now it’s an ADDICTION. And the sooner you admit that to yourself the better off you are.
It only gets worse right before it gets better.
And the last thing you want is your son to suffer from the same addiction as you have.
God is with you.
Things can change and they will… but only if you are relentless.
ONLY if YOU MAKE THE CHANGE.
You can do it.
The addiction doesn’t hold you captive anymore.
It’s not who you are.
You need to realize that you are worth more.
You deserve better from yourself and from a man.
This is NOT how God intended sex and relationships to work.
BUT HE IS WITH YOU.
He always has been…. and He will never leave.
No matter what.
Letter from my sex addict:
By now, the dark room is comfortable and familiar. It feels more at home here than it does anywhere else.
I know that I’ve let this addiction control me and turn my heart hard and black.
But I won’t anymore. This is not the addiction’s decision. It DOESN’T CONTROL ME ANYMORE. I am not that person, that is not who I am…
Yes I’ve been hiding behind those walls that were put up so long ago, hiding behind what I thought love was and how a man should treat a women.
BUT MY ADDICTED SELF GIVES UP.
There is no winning at this.
The only thing that comes from feeding the addiction is darkness and hate and anger and evil things. Nothing of GOD.
No matter what this addiction will NOT be apart of me anymore. I am getting clean. I am seeking light and GOD. And wherever He takes me I will follow. This is not my life, it’s a gift given to me by the Almighty Father and He deserves better from me after all He has done…
This is the NEW ME. This is the NEW BEGINNING.