Whats up Boone? Over the years I have found there are two Boones: one is passionate about being holy, does incredible things, and genuinely cares about others; the other is addicted to sex. I used to not use that word… “addicted”. I thought, “Ya I definitely have a problem but I can stop doing this sin just like I stopped cursing, cutting others down, drinking and a few others I’ve worked on over the years.” But I think recently I’ve noticed this sin has been nagging me for the past 4 years, which makes it a little bit more of an addiction than just a struggle or problem. When I first came to Christ, I didn’t care too much about sexual sin. I stopped doing inappropriate things with my girlfriends, but when I was alone, I still got what I needed. You would turn into the other Boone and get lost in lust, adultery, and pride. You listen to Satan. You see a glimpse of something on TV or on the internet and you keep looking. You say, “This actually isn’t that bad, I’ve done way worse before.” But you keep going. You keep going to the next step. You let your imagination take over. Honestly, you don’t even need pictures, you can just create these images of women in your head and let your fantasies be fulfilled. But when you get the opportunity, ooh baby, you go ahead and look at the pictures. Bikini clad women aren’t enough, lets see them naked, lets see them having sex, lets see videos of them having sex, lets see intense, unrealistic videos of them having sex. You, my disgusting, perverted, other self are the king of snowballing. You keep adding on and letting this get bigger and bigger yet you are never satisfied. You want more and more and MORE! You sneak in too. I never have figured out how to tame you. I’ve had some moments of purity (India and Kaleo) but you always come back. I hate you. You remind me of my old self and the way I used to always be. But here is the deal: I’m not my own self and you are a struggling, dying part of Satan that is holding on for dear life because you know you can not win. You realize that? YOU CAN NOT WIN. God didn’t send His Son to Earth so He could die for me and allow something like you to continue to live on. I’ll admit, you’ve got some skill. You’ve held on for a long time. A lot of my friends have moved past their struggle with sexual immorality but you have good strategy and you taste oh so sweet to my lips. Why do you enjoy this? Yes there is a physical pleasure, but it is dark. It is impure. It feels so daunting when you’re in the act. You’re terrified somebody will find out and you completely turn your back on God. What kind of coward does that? I thought you were a man. I’m a man. You are a boy. You take the easy way out, seek instant gratification, and then lull yourself to sleep in tears. Then we wake up, and I take over, because God’s loving-kindnesses are never ceasing. They are new every morning. Father, great is Your faithfulness. I’m done with you. I’m signing up for this 30 day porn-free challenge and I’m probably going to end up buying the 30 day workshop. It costs $100 but I don’t care. There is no dollar amount that is too much to get rid of you and your satanic allure. I am going to be more consistent in accountability with my friends and find a mentor asap who can help me through this. Someday, I might have to start cutting off body parts if you continue to struggle. Lets make this quick, shall we? Stop it. Give up. Admit your defeat. This is over.
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