I will not let you steal the joy that was planted in my soul last year. I will not let you make me believe that everything that happened last year and all that I learned was a sham. I know you want me to believe those lies, but I’m not going to. I was so happy falling in love with God in Christ last year, and I know it’s hard this year, back in America and no longer in missions, but that joy can still be mine. I will make my heart a home for Christ again, but there’s some housekeeping that needs to be done.
First, I will follow hard after Christ again. When I was running after Christ, I was also sprinting away from you. I never would have thought I could have distanced myself from you for months at a time. What was it, half a year? I left you in the dust and was captivated by Christ. It seems so long ago, but I remember being in prayer with Him constantly, seeing Him move in so many ways, and being so happy when I saw others catch glimpses of Him. My life was so full of meaning and purpose. I was a part of something worth living for and I felt so alive because of that. I learned what it was to actually love and be loved. The pain and loss made the love and promise that much sweeter. I will pursue that love again, and I will believe that promise once more.
Second, I will stop flirting with you and pretending like you have anything worthwhile to give me. I’ve tried this before, and it helped, but now I’ve gotten lax and you’ve slipped back into my life. I have been told it would be better to gouge out my eye or cut off my hand than live at peace with you, thankfully I can fight you with much smaller sacrifices too.
1. I will never log onto facebook on my computer, because my computer is where I fail and I’ve even found ways to fail on facebook. If I need to check it I can check it on my phone. Even now, I know I’m flirting with you when I check it on my computer.
2. I will not check IGN on my computer, because it is also a site that has become a weakness for me.
3. I will not let my mind wander for however long it wants to because I know that is a way that you like to force yourself back into my life.
But those steps that I want to take will be nothing if I don’t remember why it is that I want to be free of you and the slavery you bring into my life. I want to be far from you because, when you are near, I don’t let myself look at Christ because I feel as dirty as you are. I don’t want you in my life because you’re corrupting my good desires and you want to make me unable to find satisfaction in anything but you. I want to find intimacy with my wife, you would leave me in isolation. I want to find the strength to be a man and a father for my children, you would leave me crippled and pathetic for them. I want to know the joy of running the race well, you would drag me all the way. I know I can leave you behind me, and when I get to the life Christ has planned for me, I’ll enjoy them all the more knowing the wilderness out of which He brought me.
I pity you, but I won’t miss you.
Yours no longer,
The boy in love with Love