Letter to myself:
I have been selfish, believing I needed your false satisfaction. I brought my lust, and addiction, into an unassuming marriage. I hated myself for bringing this havoc into a marriage. I believed I was strong enough to take you on by myself. Yet, the fire of lust consumed me, leaving a devastated man behind. The depression, the frustration, the promises to stop, the lies to cover-up, the emptiness, and the isolation are all that remained.
I was once terrified that I would never escape your pit of despair. I was broken by the thought and fear of hurting my wife or even future children. The fear completely shut me down. I lost my self-esteem, my sense of safety, my positivity, my emotional connections, and almost my marriage. I now believe Yahweh’s power is with me. Yahweh has more power than you do, you pest.
You have said, “This will make you feel better, I promise. This will take away your pain. You will enjoy this. This is harmless. No one needs to know. You are not hurting anyone.”
I am sick from the empty promises. I will not let you take or tarnish my soul any longer. I will not cave in anymore. I am done letting you infiltrate my thoughts. I am finished with you and yielding to the lure of your hollow voice in my head. I am finished feeling angry, helpless, hopeless, defeated, ashamed, and the guilt I have had because your deceitful allure. I hate that I have let you control me for so long. I hate how I thought I could manage the lust. Though, lust is never satisfied, it always wants more. You have pulled my mind away for the last time. You are nothing more than fantasy. Choosing fantasy over reality has ruined my life, and me. Pornography is like a poison in my veins. Lies such as, “What have you done? Shame on you. Look at the uncrossable separation you created between you and God. Your God has fled from you.” course through me like burning venom.
You snake! You slick and slimy liar. You trickster. You spineless coward. Do you think you can continue to chain me down and torture me? Well, think again. You are no longer my master. I am ready to do whatever it takes to get free of your grasp. I will do anything I can to gouge out my eye, and throw it in the furnace. I raise my banner, and declare WAR!!!
I know this will not be an easy fight. However, I am full of anger and disdain toward your deeds. I’m angry that I let you drag me into this pit of darkness and despair, which I would entrap me. I am angry that I hurt people because of you. I am angry because this addiction has caused me to lie to those I loved, perform actions to cover up and hide, and completely shut down mentally and emotionally.
I am leaving you, addict, and never looking back. I will fight with my every breath. I am bringing with me, my wife, and also Yahweh and His angel armies. I will not let my bitterness rob me of my freedom. I will take back my every thought and make it obedient to a new master, Adonai. I will install filters and monitoring software. I will read my Bible. I will ask God to help me to develop a healthy view of females, instead of seeing them in lustful ways, or as objects for self-gratification. I will believe in the unfailing love and forgiveness given by the Almighty Father. He will be my strength and His word will be my shield.
NOT Your Friend,
Letter from my sex addict:
Dear Lustful Man,
You say that I am a bad thing. I have only offered you everything you thought you wanted. How is that bad? You are the fake and the liar. You ate up my lust, and I will keep feeding you with it. How many times have you said, “I am done with this.”? Why will this be different?
I am your past, present, and future. I am not just a phase you are going through. I own you like a head of cattle. I am your life. You need me. Trust that I will never go away, or quiet my voice.
I will follow you everywhere you go. I will find new ways to chain you down. If not with pornography, then you will lust for something else. This empowerment will fade, and you will crawl back into the darkness.
You are a lustful man. You will always need more. You cannot challenge me, or take me down. You cannot escape me. You are weak, and you will cave in. You will fail! You will hurt!
Do you think I ruined your life? You have not seen anything yet. I have more power than you think. Do you really think you can be free of my so-called trap? Let’s see if you have what it takes to climb out of my dungeon. You bring your God, and your best to this fight and that will not even be enough to win.
Delightfully deceitful, and forever in your thoughts,
The Addict Within