Letter to myself:
There isn’t a nice way to say this. You are destroying me from the inside out. Where do I begin? Pornography abuse, lust, and masturbation has completely gutted me. I have never been able to spend more than a few weeks without you since it all began. I have felt very alone in this journey to recovery. I have yet to find true accountability.
A little while back, I had my first taste of healing. I was able to resist any urges to act out sexually in ways that hurt me and my relationship with God and my wife. I was letting God lead me through this instead of doing it on my own. My confidence was coming back. I started to feel motivated to do things again. Dare I say, I was starting to become the husband I have always wanted to be for my wife. Then you came back in full force and I’m really struggling to get back up on my horse and keep fighting.
You prey on me when I’m bored. You swoop in when I’m angry, upset, or fighting with my wife. You make me believe I’m ‘turned on’ by things that I know I’m not. You disillusion me and drag me through the mud again and again. The guilt swamps me and makes it hard for me to even look my loved ones in the eye. You shame and disgrace me.
Because of you, I stoop to the level of looking for solace on sex chat rooms or even by exchanging emails with a girl on Craigslist just to feel the adrenaline of knowing a girl would have sex with me if I REALLY wanted too. Would I actually take that step though You make me scared of my behaviour and what I could be capable of. You are unpredictable and I hate it.
I think about all the days that I wasted behind a computer screen or on my phone looking for .. something .. anything .. nothing at all. Clicking, clicking, clicking. For what?
I believe in Jesus. I believe He is the only way I have any chance of getting a hold of this problem. I’ve read the books and all the material. I need to get serious about applying it to my life. I need to pick up my Bible when the urges spring up and trust God’s word to lift me out of those moments of severe temptation.
I need to continue to seek real accountability. I need to make this a matter of prayer every single day. I know my triggers and I need to stop ignoring them. Less time spent browsing the internet, less time spent in a hot shower, less time sitting around the house alone when my wife is at work, no more sneaking around and stretching the truth when questioned.
God loves me and forgives me. I know this. But I want to love myself again. I want to rid myself of the guilt .. shame .. feelings of disgrace .. feelings of being unloved. I have the most amazing and understanding wife who has been nothing but supportive throughout this whole process. The mercy and compassion she has for me is undeserved. I screw up time and time again and she has every right to just leave, but she doesn’t. Would I do the same for her? I need to strive for more in my marriage. She gives me everything and more. I need to do the same. I am built for more than this.
I’m tired of letting my life and potential waste away at 26 years old. It’s time to get serious.
Letter from my sex addict:
How much longer are you going to let this define you? Nothing is impossible with God.
You know what triggers you. You’ve know what is required of you to make real steps to true freedom. How much longer will you waste your days away?
Is it time to get rid of the smartphone? Sure, it would be tough. But would it not be worth it in the long run? Think of all the sneaking around you’ve done on that device. It is still a wide open gate of temptation for you.
You’ve made great steps so far. You’ve confessed to your wife, your pastor, your parents, your grandparents, your sisters, many of your close friends. You set up x3 Watch on your computer. You are making plans to go public with your problems in a blog or maybe even in church one Sunday. You know that if you can get a hang on this, you could raise awareness about this huge problem that men (and women) face every single day. Your desire is to start introducing transparency about this problem with those you’re surrounded by. It’s your dream to start a support group some day.
You know all these things, but you continue to toil and procrastinate and allow doubt to creep in.
Don’t believe the lies that society tells you. Pornography use is normal. It’s just a ‘guy thing’.
You don’t have to let this keep you in bondage anymore. There is freedom in Jesus Christ. He can break every chain. All you need to do is seek him. Be patient. Answers may not come right away. You will get frustrated. You’ll want to quit and say ‘screw it’.
This fight is worth finishing.