Letter to myself:
Let me start by saying you are powerful, and you always seem to know how to stir and provoke my desires. You seem to know me perhaps better than anyone ever has. You’ve been tempting me for many years now, but here’s the thing, there is NO fruit from all of the time and energy spent viewing porn and self gratification. Its the same cycle repeated over and over but it has never gone anywhere. I’m no better off now than I was 20 plus years ago. I’m tired of it and I’m ready to be done with it. I have used you as an excuse to hide my fears and insecurities- things that I was even to afraid to admit to myself. Rather than deal with these things I ran from them and used porn as an escape and the euphoria of masturbation to deaden the sorrow, sadness, and loneliness that my life has become. But that euphoria is like Novocaine and once it wheres off all those feelings come rushing back. Well, I’m tired of going down this road to nowhere and I’m ready to face some my fears and insecurities so let’s start by going over them. I’ve been single my whole life. I’ve never been with a girl sexually. I’ve lived a life full of self doubt and self confidence. Some of this I think is born from growing up around men who were alcoholics, and mean ones at that. So many times I heard phrases that I’d never amount to anything or that I was a “fuckin nothing”. Those were some tough, tough days and though I didn’t know it at the time I was building walls around my heart to protect it from the hurt otherwise I might not have made it through those days. The problem with building walls is it keeps people out, but it also locked me in. I didn’t see that coming at all. So here I’ve lived, behind these walls isolated and alone because I wouldn’t open enough to let anyone all the way in. In the process I have become cold to love. While I attempted to use porn and masturbation to cover over this junk, the reality is it’s not enough anymore. I became a Christian to save my eternal soul and it has given me hope in a life that is quite different from the one I’ve built here on earth. A life that is complete and whole. But that’s not the end of what Christ offered. John 1o:10 says I came that you may have life and have it abundantly in the here and now. THAT is what I want and THAT is why I’m writing you this message. I want my life to fulfill its purpose and that won’t happen until I overcome this addiction and deal with my fears and insecurities. I know this will be a fight everyday for the remainder of my life, but I’m ready to take up my cross. In reality I know I don’t have the strength in myself to overcome you and my addictions, but the Bible says I have a supernatural ally in Jesus and I can draw on his strength. In fact his strength is made perfect in my weakness, so I’m going to stand on that truth. And when I fail then I will fall on His grace.
Letter from my sex addict:
I’m only giving you what you want Right? Plus I know what you like. I know how you like the female form with all of their soft angles and curves; I know how you like the way a woman’s stomach concaves when they lie on their backs, add a nice little back arch in there and, whoa, it is a sweet site indeed. Isn’t escaping to this imagery easier than coping with your “issues”? What kinda hullabaloo is that anyway? Men don’t talk about their “feelings”, chicks do that. Men are stoic and strong, we put on a strong front to prove nothing can take us off our game. C’mon man, put on your best strong front because if anyone knew anything about what you wrote in your letter then your fears would be realized; no one would like you and you’d be a laughing stock. Besides, remember that blonde girl in that movie we saw the other week- hoo wah! Was she a looker or what? Wait, what is this Jesus mumbo jumbo about. You’ve been a Christian for a while now and I’d say this we’ve co-existed nicely with your “faith” life. Why is all of this coming up now? What you think by following Jesus will lead to a better and more fulfilling life? What if it doesn’t. What if it goes nowhere then where will you be. Why not stay with the life you already know. I imagine you are going to pursue this whole Jesus and porn free thing. Fine. But know this, I’m not going to sit here quietly. I”m going to fight you and tempt you every step of the way. Good luck.