when i think about you, it just breaks my heart. you been killing me for years. i don’t know it started or where we began but i know now its over. im done with you, you pathetic little girl…
lost little girl stayed up too late watching t.v. enjoying the sight of sex too soon for her gentle soul. you were dealing with so much. no dad, no life, no Christ. you were clinging to thins you didn’t understand but you knew deep down were wrong.
i want to hate you so much. you’re the reason im scared that i shouldn’t be married, that if i should have kids, will i ever see the beauty in sex again. you took so much from me. how could i ever be normal with the images you forced me to see?
you just had to make me go deeper, did you? no longer did i look at girls vaguely on the TV screen, it was too soft core. i needed something harder and more vulgar. harder to dream about, more obscene thoughts for me to fall in love with…
i could spend the rest of my life hating you, but it would be hating the broken part of me that God wants to heal. He wants to pick up those pieces and tell me everything will be okay.
And He is right. Everything will be okay. im going into the life of sobriety. im saying goodbye to the lesbian videos that plague my mind, im ending the gay sex that strikes my heart when i desire the porn. i don’t want that anymore.
i just want the Lord.
i know its not gonna be easy. you know my triggers and my anxiety. but its gonna be okay. God loves me still. God is on my side…and there’s nothing you can do to take that away form me. because when you leave me like a cheap slut to pick up the guilt and my clothes from th floor, He’s gonna be there.
he is my light and my hope who is leading my home to him….where you wont be. i will fall. its gonna happen because im human. but my husband one day whoever he might be not some woman who you will force me to fall in love with…a man who loves the lord….will be there to pick up the pieces and help me start over. because i am redeemed and set free from your tyranny. so try it you damn-est to fall.
get me up to the library computer with no one around. i will do the hardest to prevail because you’re nothing but a coward break form you. it may not be today or tomorrow but i will see today where you are gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.
just try to give me harder porn to enjoy…bait me you lousy whore. because were done. were through.