Letter to myself:
Dear sex addict,
I’ve been meaning to speak to you for some time now, but I’ve been so nervous. I find myself not even wanting to admit that I know you-ashamed to say that I’ve allowed you so share so much of my life. When we’re in public, I pretend that you’re not there- so much that people haven’t even seen that we’ve become so close. This doesn’t seem to really bother you, though. In fact, you seem to always have your own plan for us and you run ahead of me to the secret places and wait for me there-since we can’t be seen in public.
For over 10 years you’ve lied to me. You made acts of evil sound good, look good, and even briefly taste good, but the after taste of bitterness and shame was seldom worth it-but you had a solution; your remedy was more. You brought your best friends Empty and Broken along for the sinful thrills. Oh, but you didn’t stop there. You were an incredible liar-you had me believe that you were an artist. The pictures you would paint in my mind-that woman passing by, she would appreciate the way you would form her in my mind. My mind-our public secret place that you had made your home. ‘Nobody will ever see us-this is real pleasure, man! We’re not doing anything wrong-thoughts are just thoughts-nothing more!’
They didn’t always just stay thoughts, though. Seeking women to date and secretly hoping that they were just as desperate as I was for intimacy and temporary pleasure.
Day by day, year by year-your lies became my reality. I felt trapped by you, slowly suffocating and breathing in the poison that you provided. Sure, conviction would come but you would just come up with deceitful justification of why how we live was okay.
I have been carrying you around for so long that the weight is unbearable. I realized that you will only give birth to death. You’ve already murdered countless precious moments, stolen from me what was meant for my future wife, and damaged relationships. So, ‘old friend’, I have some truth to share with you now.
The truth is I hate you. I’ve wrapped up my identity in you and for years you’ve made me think that I need to live this way and that this struggle is hopeless for me and that I should give in. You’ve attempted to bring satisfaction that only Christ can bring-and I am giving myself back to Him. You see, I am not yours-I’ve been bought with a price. I don’t have to settle for the fabricated and devastating highs you provide.
I don’t need you. I don’t enjoy you. I don’t believe you.
I know this upsets you-and you’ll keep your cool-sending one of your buddies like Shame or Broken my way as frequently as you can to remind me that we have a history.
But that’s what it is-a history. Not a future. I am constantly being made new by a loving and merciful savior. Everything that I need is found in Him and and I am wrapped up in Him. He is everything that I have been searching for all these years. None can compare and He tells me that I am loved and I am beautiful.
You have no place here anymore. You are evicted out of my life, and you are disowned. If you try and come back for me, you will have a very powerful and jealous God to face.
Hidden in Christ,
Letter from my sex addict:
I don’t even get why you’re doing this. Honestly, dude, what you do is normal. It’s socially acceptable and nobody on earth will condemn you for wanting to explore your sexuality. You’re a dude-this is what guys do! You’re just admiring God’s handiwork-no harm in that! Plus, He will just forgive you…and don’t worry I’ll just go away when you get married or something! (Hahahah sorry, you and I both know that even a wife can’t fulfill all the needs you have-youre a needy little guy!)
Anyway, I know that you’re going to try and ‘be done’ with me again-like you’ve literally said every day or two for the past ten years or so (has it really been that long? Who’s counting??), but we know that in the end you’ll come crawling back to me.
Just skip this whole self-righteous act you’re putting on and deal with your pain and brokenness in the way I taught you! You know that’s real pleasure, man! Sure it doesn’t last, but it’s worth it, right? We’ve kept our relationship this long-why end it now? We’ve got a good thing going here, man. Ignore that conviction-we’ll get around to your ‘sin’ eventually, just put it off until tomorrow!
Again, let me remind you-since I’m really good at it-that you’re a messed up, pathetic, undisciplined guy who is just going to be alone in the end even if you’re surrounded by family and friends-it’s just going to be me and you. You might not see that right now, but I’ll be waiting for you. Last a week? That’s fine, you know where to find me. I’ll come seek you out soon enough and we’ll see which satisfaction is truly greater: the eternal one you say you have in Christ (which you can’t see or feel right now, right?) or the immediate satisfaction I can bring.
Your wretched self will be back. You need me. I own you.
Your favorite ex addict.