Letter to myself:
Dear addict, dear late nights, dear boredom, dear Temptation,
I am done with you, finished. I am sick of your lies disguised as truth, your darkness covered by light. I am not worthless, I am not weak, you do not give me value, you not give me strength. I will not be governed by fear and guilt any longer. YOU. DON’T. OWN. ME.
Never again will I listen to your whispers late at night, or any other time of day for that matter. You are a sick soulless creature trying to suck the life from my bones. You have conquered me through guilt and shame, but now no longer will I give in. I will not give up, I will fight, kicking and screaming, flailing my arms like a mad man. I will not follow blindly and willingly.
Though not my own, you led me to a well, having been so thirsty I reached for a drink and fell. I continued to fall down the bottomless hole, where Lust and Temptation faught for my soul. And there you watched so sick with delight, you had led me to darkness after promising light.
I trusted you. Like a fool I trusted you. But I should have known better; I was taught so much better than that. Bad company corrupts good morals and yours is the worst company of all. You thought you had me, you thought you owned me, paid for with lies and deceit carefully crafted to confuse me, to use me and bruise me. Well guess what, I have been bought with the blood of the Lamb by the King himself and I am His and His alone.
He has made me his child and by the power of the Holy Spirit I am free from your grasp. I don’t have to listen to you, I will not listen.
I will read the Bible daily, memorizing the word, and meditating daily through prayer. I will be honest, to myself and with others. I will seek forgiveness for my failures. I will pray for courage and strength, and that God would provide for me an accountability partner with whom I can share my struggle, that I over look the shame in pursuit of healthier living.
Your chains on me have been broken, you don’t own me anymore. I belong to the Great Shepherd, by his grace I choose him over you.
No longer yours and never again,
A wretched soul, saved by grace
Letter from my sex addict:
To my dear, dear friend, and the wretch that you are,
I hate to burst your bubble –wait, no, actually I don’t– See, not only do I own you, I am you. I am your fears, your worries, the nights you spend up too late. I am your deepest desires and your strongest lusts. You can’t just leave never to return. What will you do when the world outside is too overwhelming, how will you cope? What are you going to do when school comes around and the stress is just too much too handle?
Everyone deserves their own form of release, you need me to be there, to do what you’re not man enough to do. Besides, it’s not that bad, it’s not like you’re hurting anyone else. You and me, we’re the same person, I know how bad you need your fix and I’m the only way you get it. No one has to ever know.
I’ve heard this all before and I can’t help but laugh a little. I watched the last time you tried to reach out, tried admitting it to someone close. You even succeeded at that, but the shame was too much, the images too strong in your head, the lies too close to your tongue. You don’t need that screen to do what you do, you’ve already seen it, it’s engrained in your mind. It didn’t take long for you to come crawling back then and I’ve only grown stronger since so I’ll be expecting you soon.
I’ll let you go for some time if need be so that you can feel a little better about yourself, but when you return, and you will return, I’ll only have a better, stronger hold on you. You will hit that brick and I’ll be there to pick up the pieces, I always will, just like I have been for the past seven years.
With much love,