Letter to myself:
You are loosing everything. Your friends, your family, even your relationship with Christ. No it is not that they are leaving you, but it is that you are leaving them. You have been going down a road for way to long, and if you continue you will not be able to come out of it. You have lost who you are and you have lost the sense of how to view the world. You are viewing men as strong and dominant. Men who will take what they want from you and there is nothing you can do about it. You are giving yourself away and gaining nothing but shame and guilt. you are loved by so many people around you and most importantly by Christ. But because you are daily gaining a new level of shame and disrespect towards yourself you are continually going down this road of “no one loves me” and “I am unlovable”.
You are loved, you are wanted, you are cared for. So much so that Christ died on the cross for YOU. But what does that mean? nothing….. it means nothing because you are so focused on what you have done wrong in your life and not remembering what Christ has done for your life.
You have to be willing to let people into your life and share with them your struggles and your addictions. this is not a fight you can fight on your own.
Letter from my sex addict:
The first time I saw pornography was when I was eight years old. I was going to the bathroom at my Aunt and Uncle’s and they had the magazine under the bathtub. It was not a “ooo, I like girls” it was just interesting, different.
Then as the years went by there were times that my Uncle would be watching his movies on the t.v when he thought that I was out in the camper and not in the house. I would get little glimpses of what he was watching.
As the years went by, I became more interested, I became more aware of what my body did and what it “needed” and began masturbating when I was 13. I would find a stash of dvds and watch it for hours and think that there was no problem with it. As long as they did not find out that I was doing it, it was fine.
Then I began hearing stories of sex-trafficking and it broke my heart. I was able to stop watching for the longest time. Then I got back into it. Only looking at what the guy was doing. And be ashamed of myself because there was a good chance that I was watching something were the girl was being forced.
I know what it is like to be forced into doing something that I did not want to do, however I was still a part of watching it.
I feel like I am not loved and will never be loved in such a way, that I have turned to masturbation to “feel” something. I became so addicted, that it has become hard to be “excited” because I cant get to that level of “excitement”. I need more. and if I continue needing more, I know I will lose everything. I need to stop-I want to stop-I have to stop.