For 20 years I’ve partaken, battled, hated and consumed Porn (capital letter in the middle of a sentence on a non-proper noun grammar who needs it). I’m 37 have a wonderful wife (6 years now) two great kids (1 & 3 years old) that are the greatest joy of my life. On our 3rd date I told my wife I had a problem with porn and have been as honest as I could since and she has loved me through it all. I realized a few months ago this beast was going to take it all away if I didn’t get help. I noticed it was changing me somehow. Terrified and desperate I google and called a Christian counselor in a panic, and made a worthy investment for an hour of his time. 

Amongst a myriad of straight forward ex-army special forces helicopter pilot style wisdom he said, “You are caught in idolatry and are becoming like what you worship. You need to learn how to look at women again, to see them as human and not an object. You are confused and are believing a lie of what porn actually is and what it does to these girls. Also you’ve rationalized away your contribution to the abuse.” It exposed the lie. The next Monday I went to a Pastor at my work and asked him to pray with me for forgiveness for what I’ve done to my wife, my kids, our house and these girls. God started working in my mind and heart. I still was not free but my mind couldn’t rationalized my actions the same after I’d give way to the voice that called my name when I was alone. Started a weekly study with the Pastor through the book, “At the Altar of Sexual Idolatry by Steven Gallagher “, fantastic. Weeks have past I stumbled upon The Badchristian Podcast that you where on and remembered XXXChurch. Then I listened to Brittni Ruiz’s podcast. What a testimony, what a story such inspiration it reminded me of the faithfulness of God. She shed light on the truth of what the industry was like. She was a person- they all are real PEOPLE this is wrong, I am wrong-NO MORE! I was so excited for her what God had rescued her from and my heart broke at the same time for what she went through to get there. It seemed like God was speaking right to me about my actions through her interview. I was appalled at myself at the darkness I had let in. Lots of emotion was going through me all great. God was reversing it all and changing it all. Hope back into my minds-eye, years of prayer being answered- actual repentance (turning away) starting to happen! To make sure I didn’t loose this moment I quickly logged onto xxxchurch.com pull up Brittni’s interview and instantly started to cry… 

I knew who she was…

I had watched her porn videos. Even as I type this my hands are getting shaky. If you can if it matters please tell her I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. The lie is well told and sneaks in deeply. 

That was the moment. It’s all changed. I feel like I’m all new. The thoughts of old, that familiar call to partake is ugly and sounds foreign in my mind now. Every device I own has X3 watch on it (the pro version). I’ve been listening to your different talks and interviews for two days. Downloaded your book “Ugly Little Secret” and am halfway through. It’s helping so much. Simply hammering home the revelation God has given me. I have an amazing wife and as I told her all this last night I just smiled as I said, “Hun, I put the X3 software on every device we own. I honestly don’t think I’ll need it but just consider it a love letter every time you don’t get a report.” This is so rad, God is so good. Thanks.

I’m free.