XXXchurch has been serving people for over 20 years. I have worked in this area of ministry for over a decade. We have created numerous courses, created various resources like X3watch, and fostered various communities such as Small Groups Online, Live Free, and Live Free Wives. And after years of working with countless individuals, I have come to believe that the lack of truth is the biggest obstacle preventing people from achieving true freedom.
It’s unfortunate really.
So this month we are going to tackle some of these misguided messages. Not because we want to tear anyone down, but rather because we want to point people in the right direction. We want to give you hope and help you understand that you or your spouse’s sexual addiction is something that can be conquered.
So with that in mind, I want to cover some of the more problematic and common myths, half-truths, and outright lies that people most likely have heard somewhere along the way on their journey.
This week I want to break down three myths:
Myth #1: Porn is the problem.
Here’s the thing. Porn is a problem in that it is unhealthy. By no means am I implying that porn is a good thing or OK in certain circumstances. But, fast food is a problem too if I’m being honest and no one is going around asking that the government ban McDonald’s.
Yes, porn can cause emotional damage, erode intimacy, and increase personal shame. We see this all the time when helping the men and women who come to us for help. Porn in many ways can be a poison for any meaningful relationship.
But it’s not the problem.
It’s just a terrible way to handle your problems. I talk about that in this video.
Put it this way. Porn is a micro-issue. But it’s not a macro-issue. The real problem is why you keep going to porn, sex, and masturbation. And no, it’s not because you are horny. Seeking freedom from pornography is a noble pursuit. However, if you neglect to delve into and address the root causes that drive you towards pornography, you are kind of missing the point.
Myth #2: If you remove all temptation, you’ll be OK.
Only if it was that simple.
I constantly see men and women using every means possible to block any point of access they have utilizing filters, parental controls, and similar measures. And you know what? Eventually they find a way to circumnavigate those restrictions even if it is just via the fantasies in their head. It’s just a matter of time.
Why?
Well, that goes back to Myth #1. Porn isn’t the issue.
Filters and porn blockers can be beneficial in recovery if used properly, I will give you that. They can be a helpful aid while seeking sobriety. But they can also become a huge crutch that hurts you long term. And the problem with crutches is this: When someone pulls the crutch out, you fall on your face…every time.
Focus your efforts on healing what’s broken, not on ways to prop yourself up.
Myth #3: You just need to try harder.
Wrong. Trying harder doesn’t work. Ever.
Recovery does require effort, consistency, and commitment, but it’s not about “trying harder.” That is a white-knuckle mindset that inevitably and always leads to relapse.
Yes, those who struggle with porn experience feelings of impulsivity and feel as if they lack any sense of self-control. And to an extent, that is the case. But there is a neurological reason for those impulsive tendencies and the answer is not just grinding your teeth harder.
If what you’ve been doing doesn’t work, the answer is not doing it with more “effort.” Chances are you are either doing something wrong, or you aren’t doing what you really need to do at all. Insanity is as they say doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.
Don’t try harder.
Try something different.
Stop the insanity.
Next week I will discuss three half-truths, so stay tuned for that. And in the meantime, check out resources that speak to the real problem like Small Groups Online, Live Free, X3pure or X3watch if you want to save a little money on a bundle.