If you’ve ever felt the weight of regret from engaging in unwanted sexual behavior, you know how disorienting it can be. It’s that sense of disappointment, secrecy, and the longing to be different that can leave one spinning with questions like…

  • What’s wrong with me?
  • Why can’t I stop?
  • Am I the only one like this?
  • Will I ever be “normal?”

And often, right at the center of those swirling thoughts is something called shame. 

Shame is silent and it’s suffocating. And while it may in the moment feel like an appropriate response after we mess up, it’s not the same thing as guilt or remorse. This is because shame doesn’t tell you that you did something wrong. Rather, it leads you to the gnawing belief that you are what’s wrong.

Unfortunately, shame doesn’t just make you feel bad. It’s more destructive than that because it distorts how you see yourself, others, and even your future. And when you carry that distortion as you try to heal, you can unintentionally sabotage your own growth.

Psychologically, shame is deeply tied to a threat to the self. According to Brown (2006), shame arises when we fear disconnection from others because we believe we’re unworthy of love or belonging.

This isn’t just some sort of vague emotion. 

Rather, it’s a physiological stress response that impacts your nervous system, decision-making, and relationships. In fact, over time, chronic shame has been shown to lead to depression, anxiety, and relational distress. And ironically, almost as a cruel twist of fate, shame increases one’s dependence on the very behaviors they’re trying to leave behind (Tangney & Dearing, 2002).

That said, here are four specific ways shame fools you that can lead to a reliance on unwanted sexual behaviors and the feeling that you are powerless to change:

1. Shame convinces you that secrecy is safety.

Understand that shame thrives in silence. It whispers that if others knew what you were really struggling with or saw your shortcomings, they would abandon you and/or think less of you. And the truth is, that’s emotionally frightening.

So, you…

  • Keep your secrets hidden.
  • Manage your struggles alone.
  • Avoid support groups and communities.
  • Lie to your therapist or accountability partner.

But understand that what you hide, you empower.

And so in trying to protect yourself from exposure, you also cut yourself off from the kind of relationships that could help you grow because vulnerability feels too risky, even though it’s the key to healing. Consequently, your self-imposed isolation ultimately reinforces the misguided belief that you’re abnormal or uniquely broken.

2. Shame rebrands your identity as “broken” instead of “wounded.”

Recognize that there’s a world of difference between believing you’ve been wounded and believing you’re fundamentally broken. Wounds can heal. But when shame gets the final word, you don’t just believe you’ve made a mistake.

You believe you are a mistake.

As a result, this twisted identity distortion warps how you approach the concept of change. It leads to attempts to “fix” yourself through rigid self-discipline or spiritual performance, thinking that if you just try hard enough, you can earn your way back to worthiness. As we’ve talked about before, this is the essence of white-knuckling one’s recovery in that we focus on behavioral change versus real change.

But healing doesn’t come from punishment. It comes from compassion, safe connection, and consistent support.

3. Shame hijacks your motivation.

Unfortunately, when shame is your motivator, your focus is on avoiding further humiliation rather than pursuing joy, purpose, or alignment with your values (what is often referred to as congruence). And so you may learn to behave differently for a while, but if your internal script is “I’m disgusting so I need to stop,” your existence is still one of self-rejection.

This is why studies show that shame-based motivation is less sustainable than motivation driven by self-compassion and value alignment (Neff & Germer, 2013). In fact, the more shame you feel, the more likely you are to repeat the behavior you’re ashamed of—because it becomes a way to momentarily escape the pain of your own self-contempt.

4. Shame tells you that your struggle is the whole story.

Perhaps the cruelest trick shame plays on someone is making them believe that their worst moments define their entire identity. In other words, you forget the context: your pain, your unmet needs, your longing for love, the stress you’re under, or even the trauma that may have shaped your patterns.

Instead of looking at your behavior as a signal that something deeper needs attention, shame tells you it’s proof that you are beyond repair. This prevents the curiosity, gentleness, and grace necessary to begin the deeper healing process.

And so you stop seeing your behavior as a coping mechanism and start seeing it as who you are.

But the good news is that shame doesn’t have to be the lens you live through. As I share in my book, this was a realization I had to come to myself. Yes, overcoming shame is a process. But it’s achievable.

Naming it is the first step.

Bringing your story into safe, compassionate relationships (whether that’s with a therapist, mentor, or support group) starts to loosen shame’s grip. This is because when you recognize that you are seen and loved despite your “brokenness,” you begin to believe that healing is possible… not because you’ve cleaned up your act, but because you are human and worthy of care.

This is why one of the most powerful antidotes to experiencing shame is joining a support group. Understand that there’s something profoundly healing about sitting with a group of people who “get it.”

  • Support groups normalize your experience.
  • They challenge the lie that you’re the only one.

And when others respond to your honesty with compassion instead of judgment, it begins to loosen shame’s grip.

So if you’re looking for a safe place where you can be honest without fear, be supported without judgment, and take real steps toward change, I encourage you to check out Small Groups Online. Our weekly video-based recovery groups are designed specifically to offer the kind of support, encouragement, and structure that shame tries to keep you from experiencing.

Shame wants you stuck. Healing wants you seen.

References:

Brown, B. (2006). Shame resilience theory: A grounded theory study on women and shame. Families in Society, 87(1), 43–52.

Tangney, J. P., & Dearing, R. L. (2002). Shame and Guilt. New York: Guilford Press.

Neff, K. D., & Germer, C. K. (2013). A pilot study and randomized controlled trial of the mindful self-compassion program. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 69(1), 28–44.