This past month, we’ve been talking about “real change” and how such change manifests itself in the areas of boundaries, handling urges, and pursuing relationships. But real change goes deeper than that. This is because when one experiences real change, they learn how to process emotional discomfort in healthier ways while growing in self-awareness and self-compassion.
Recognize that emotional discomfort is a significant trigger for acting out sexually.
It’s very common that when one feels overwhelmed by anxiety, sadness, or pain, the immediate impulse might be to find something that provides quick relief. For many, this relief comes in the form of substances or compulsive actions like pornography use. Unfortunately, while these unhealthy “coping” mechanisms may temporarily alleviate discomfort, they ultimately reinforce a cycle of avoidance and dependence.
When someone is approaching their recovery with a white-knuckle mindset, their focus is often on simply avoiding certain behaviors. While willpower can work for a while, it’s not a sustainable solution because the underlying emotional pain remains unaddressed, waiting for the next opportunity to resurface.
However, when someone begins to experience real change, their approach to emotional discomfort transforms.
Instead of running from unpleasant feelings or trying to suppress them, they start to lean into them. This is not to imply they enjoy the discomfort. Rather, they begin to understand that sitting with unpleasant emotions is essential for growth and healing.
Realize that this shift in mindset requires a level of courage and vulnerability that can be challenging, especially if you’ve spent years avoiding these emotions. Yet, those who are experiencing real change recognize the necessity of this work. They understand that true recovery isn’t just about staying sober; it’s about developing the capacity to face life’s challenges head-on without resorting to unhealthy coping mechanisms. Over time, this practice of engaging with one’s emotions leads to greater emotional resilience and a more profound sense of inner peace.
Another profound change that occurs during the recovery journey is an increase in self-awareness and self-compassion.
For those who’ve been plagued by their addictive behaviors, it is common to feel a deep sense of shame and self-loathing. This is especially true after a relapse. You might even see yourself as “broken” or “unworthy.” Unfortunately, these feelings can become so ingrained in a person that they let their perceived “brokenness” define them as an individual.
White-knuckle recovery often perpetuates these negative self-perceptions.
When you’re relying solely on willpower to resist your urges, any slip-up can feel like a catastrophic failure, reinforcing the belief that you’re not good enough or strong enough. This mindset traps you in a cycle of guilt and shame, which only serves to fuel the addictive behaviors you’re trying to escape.
Real change, on the other hand, involves a fundamental shift in how you see yourself.
As you move deeper into your recovery, you begin to develop a clearer understanding of who you are—both your strengths and your areas for growth. This self-awareness is liberating, but it can also be challenging. It requires you to confront parts of yourself that you may have been avoiding for years, whether that’s unresolved trauma, deep-seated fears, or long-standing patterns of negative thinking.
But with this self-awareness comes an opportunity for self-compassion.
You start to recognize that you are not defined by your past mistakes or your struggles with addiction. Instead, you begin to see yourself as a whole person, worthy of love and forgiveness. This doesn’t mean you excuse harmful behaviors, but it does mean treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend in need.
This shift in mindset is both transformational and evidence of real change.
As you grow in self-awareness and self-compassion, you start to make choices that reflect your true values and long-term goals, rather than reacting out of fear or shame. You begin to pursue relationships rooted in unconditional love—both with others and with yourself. These connections provide the support and acceptance you need to continue on your path to recovery, reinforcing the belief that you are capable of real and lasting change.
Therefore, as you continue on your journey, remember that each step forward, no matter how small, is a testament to your strength and resilience. Real change is not about perfection, but about progress—about moving closer to the person you were always meant to be.
By the way, if you want to learn more about the process of real change, check out the X3pure recovery workshop.