When discussing porn, sex addiction, and recovery, we approach these subjects from the perspective of real change versus white-knuckle change. In other words, recovery is about transforming your way of life and worldview, not just discontinuing unwanted behaviors. Steven Luff touched on this in a recent post. With that understanding, the question naturally arises:
How do I know if I am truly changing, and where will I see evidence of that change?
The truth is, the answer to that question could fill a book. But it’s important to recognize that real change creates a profound shift in how you live, think, and interact with the world around you. When real change occurs, it touches every aspect of your life, from your relationships to your inner world.
Therefore, as we in the United States transition from summer to fall, just like the changing seasons, we’ll be exploring what some of these changes look like and how they can lead to a more fulfilling life. These include some of the following, which we’ll be digging into more over the following weeks.
1. A New Understanding of Boundaries
Recognize that one of the first changes you might notice in your recovery journey is a shift in how you view and enforce boundaries. Those struggling with addiction often have blurred, rigid, or even nonexistent boundaries, viewing them as either a prison or a safety mechanism. The former feels like a trap, while the latter only works if you embrace black-and-white, perfectionist thinking.
However, when you embrace the path of real change, you start to recognize the importance of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries—not just to aid your sobriety, but to grow and improve in your decision-making, motives, and overall emotional health. You begin to understand that saying ‘no’ is not about rejecting problematic technologies or people, but about enhancing your well-being.
2. Handling Urges and Temptations Differently
The truth is, when struggling with sexually compulsive behaviors, urges and temptations can often feel overwhelming and impossible to resist. However, as you progress in your recovery, you begin to develop new strategies for handling these challenges. This change isn’t just about willpower; it’s about understanding the triggers and emotional roots that lead to sexual cravings and finding healthier ways to cope with them. Whether through mindfulness, therapy, or support groups, managing and processing your urges and thoughts effectively is a crucial part of long-term freedom and a clear sign of real change.
3. Pursuing Relationships Rooted in Unconditional Love
Unfortunately, many of us have experienced relationships based on conditional love—where acceptance depends on our behavior or choices. However, as you work toward real change, you begin to recognize the value and necessity of relationships that offer unconditional love and support. These are the connections that will stand by you through your struggles and celebrate your victories without judgment. Shifting from pursuing conditional love to seeking deeper, more meaningful relationships not only provides a solid foundation for your continued recovery but also offers the type of social connectedness you spiritually and psychologically need for optimal health.
4. Processing Emotional Discomfort in Healthier Ways
Emotional discomfort is a significant trigger for unwanted sexual behaviors. As a result, many people turn to substances or compulsive actions to numb pain, anxiety, or sadness. However, when you begin to embrace the path of real change, you start leaning into moments of distress rather than suppressing or avoiding them. This means sitting with unpleasant feelings and processing uncomfortable emotions in a healthy way. Engaging in this type of emotional work isn’t easy or fun, but those who seek real change understand and accept it because they recognize the need and benefit of doing so.
5. Growth in Self-Awareness and Self-Compassion
Another profound change you may experience during your recovery journey is an increase in self-awareness and self-compassion. Addiction often clouds your perception of yourself, leading to feelings of shame and self-loathing. However, as you engage in the process of real change, you begin to see yourself more clearly, recognizing both your strengths and areas for growth. This heightened self-awareness is both liberating and challenging, as it allows you to confront parts of yourself that you may have been avoiding. It also opens the door to self-compassion and the understanding that you are worthy of love and forgiveness, no matter your past mistakes.
Recognize that these changes are just the beginning of the transformation that takes place during recovery. They are not markers of sobriety, but rather the building blocks of a life lived with intention, purpose, and joy—a life that evidences real change. Therefore, as you continue on the path of recovery and real change, remember that each step forward is a testament to your strength and resilience.
By the way, if you want to learn more about the process of real change and what that looks like in the context of meaningful relationships, check out the X3pure recovery workshop.