I heard my skydiving instructor give the orders and simultaneously felt movement. My body rocked three times as I looked out over the horizon, my thumbs hooked under my chest strap, almost in the position of prayer.
“Please God, don’t let me die!”
Free falling at 9,000 feet felt like every sexual encounter of my sexual addiction days. I even prayed that prayer, many, many times despite the fact that I didn’t believe in God.
The cloud line was thousands of feet below me and all of a sudden I was free-falling into the sky after jumping out of a perfectly functional airplane.
The sun flashed across my face and I was terrorized as it blinded me. The rushing wind was deafening. The fear and anxiety flooded my body as I felt completely out of control, hurtling towards the earth at terminal velocity.
But then a voice inside my head told me how to stop the chaos and start seeing the horizon of God’s creation clearly.
“First – arms out, Next– legs out, Don’t Forget– Bend legs at the knees, After– Look at the other skydiving instructors around you as a frame of reference, Lastly– when the signal is given and the parachute pulls, enjoy the ride.”
Within 30 seconds I fell 4,500 feet.
During the 11 years of my promiscuity, and the further years of struggling with fantasy, lust, and masturbation, I’d forgotten some basic guidelines of what I needed to do in order to stop the out-of-control spinning and get focused. But the second I remembered what God taught me through His voice, His people, books, courses, and a strong community, it’s as though I immediately knew what to do.
There was no way the parachute could deploy while spinning out of control during the years of my sexual addiction. I couldn’t hear the voice of reason because I didn’t spend time with people who would hold me accountable.
I didn’t know the ways to effectively move towards sexual sobriety. Being focused on the wisdom of people who had sobriety longer than me along with trusting in God’s presence moved me forward into healthy sexuality.
“Time to pull the chute!” I told myself.
Then all of a sudden I knew, when God, His people, and a strong community were all in place, I felt the jolt of the parachute pulling me away from a life of unwanted sexual behavior and knew that a different journey was in store for me.
Pulling the parachute, meant saying YES to Jesus Christ being my Lord, and leaving the chaos of addiction behind.
The last 4,500 feet of the journey took five breath-taking minutes to return to earth, even though it felt like hours. My heart ached as I could finally see everything from a bird’s eye view, in all the ways I had always wanted to view the world.
My eyes opened once again after realizing and experiencing true sexual intimacy with my husband.
When you’re leaving the unwanted sexual behavior you had in the past, and are learning a new way to relate to your spouse intimately, I had to trust that someone else who had walked away from that lifestyle could help me within the context of a safe community.
I couldn’t leave that lifestyle without my new tribe.
A beautiful, intimate marriage all starts when you learn to listen to the voice of God and the voice of wise guides in community. To teach you how to get there – just like the men and women at xxxchurch, Live Free Community, and Live Free Wives teach so many people in same-gender small groups, daily.
Want another tool to help overcome porn and masturbation? Please check out the amazing book When Shame Gets Real!
And as always, reach out during Office Hours and ask anything!