Timothy Keller once said, “To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.” That sounds a lot like shame doesn’t it? If you knew the real me, you wouldn’t love me. One of our greatest needs as a human is to be fully known and fully loved, which means we have to be willing to risk being vulnerable. Yet, fear is a response to a perceived threat of danger. Fear has the potential to create a false narrative because it focuses on the unknown and the uncertainties of the future. This often plays out through unhelpful, negative thinking habits, such as:
- Fortune Telling (Predicting a negative outcome in the future without realistically taking into consideration the actual odds of that outcome.): If I’m vulnerable, I’ll be invalidated. If I’m honest, she will divorce me.
- Mind Reading (Making an assumption about what someone else might be thinking with little to no evidence to support it): I can’t join the group, the men will think I’m defective. Those ladies couldn’t possibly understand what I’ve been through.
- and Catastrophic Thinking (Focusing on the worst possible outcome of a situation.): What if he acts out again? What if she kicks me out of the house?
Fear also has the potential to prevent people from seeking help and finding genuine connection, especially when we allow the false narrative to dictate our actions. We all have core fears that most likely stem from early childhood experiences and/or family of origin. Some common core fears include feeling:
- Rejected: S/he doesn’t want me.
- Abandoned: S/he will leave me and I will be alone.
- Disconnected: We will be emotionally detached.
- Helpless/Powerless: I don’t have the power, resources, capacity or ability to get what I want.
- Defective: There is something wrong with me.
- Inadequate: I am incompetent or incapable.
- Inferior: I am not as valuable or important as others.
- Unloved: There is no affection, attachment or desire for me.
- Devalued: I have no value
- Unaccepted: S/he does not approve of me.
- Judged: I am being evaluated by faulty and negative opinions.
- Humiliated: This relationship is destructive to my self-respect and dignity. • Unimportant I am irrelevant, of little priority and insignificant.
These core fears are often tied to core beliefs; what we believe about self, others and the world around us. We often carry these beliefs into adulthood without even being aware of them. Are the beliefs true and accurate? Does my behavior reflect my internal fear rather than the truth of who I am? People pleasing, which is rooted in fear, focuses on earning love and approval. The belief is that others determine one’s worth and value. Is that true? Do others determine your worth and value? Do you have to work for it?
These are all maladaptive coping mechanisms to attempt to protect one’s self. And sadly, none of them actually protect, instead they only exacerbate the fear. Rather than worry and avoid, I would encourage you to identify your core fear and challenge the beliefs associated. What am I worried will happen? What am I predicting will happen? What is the worst case scenario? Say it out loud. Did the intensity of the fear diminish?
When we attempt to ignore, deny, avoid or suppress our emotions, such as fear, physical and emotional problems can surface, such as: high blood pressure, ulcers, anxiety, stress, muscle tension, depression, headaches and fatigue.
As you begin to challenge the beliefs, try replacing “What if…” with “Even if…”
So, instead of saying, “What if she kicks me out of the house?”, try saying something like, “Even if she kicks me out of the house, I am loved by God unconditionally and without reservation.” Even if he acts out again, He has promised to never leave me nor forsake me. Even if s/he divorces me, God’s presence is with me everywhere I go. Even if s/he invalidates me, I am a child of the Most High God. Even if…
Scripture reminds us that “Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 John 4:18) I would encourage you to risk being vulnerable and join a small group where you can be seen, known, heard, validated and not judged. We are wired for connection and community is a great place for healing and recovery. Our small groups are designed for you to come just as you are. A place where you can be your genuine, authentic self.