Years ago, I was an insurance agent. No, really. That was my career for 17 years. I remember one time a client of mine sent me an email, and under his signature was this quote:
“Failure is not an option — it comes bundled with Windows.” – Unknown
Now, admittedly, I am not a fan of Microsoft at all. In fact, one of the perks of leaving the insurance industry was that I could move to Apple products and was no longer limited to corporate America’s almost exclusive use of Microsoft. But, what I loved about that quote was that it really resonated with my experience. Crashes, software patches, slowdowns, viruses, all were technological challenges I regularly faced on a weekly basis. And so, I did what any other reasonable person would do, I copied and pasted it and added it to my email signatures 🙂
Why do I share this trivial anecdote with you?
Because I honestly feel this simple quote also perfectly describes many people’s recovery journeys when they adopt certain mindsets or use certain resources in a way that actually ends up hurting them and not helping them. In other words, they eventually meet failure, also known as relapse in the recovery world.
So, with that in mind, today I want to share three common approaches to recovery that, in essence, come “bundled” with the promise of failure.
1. Bounce your eyes.
This little phrase is one that has been floating around the porn and sex addiction recovery world for over 20 years, thanks to the well-known book Every Man’s Battle by Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker. It also sums up the approach of many (specifically men) to attain sexual integrity.
The concept is simple.
One should quickly divert their eyes away from any person, image, or situation that could lead to lustful thoughts or behaviors. In doing so, they will be able to take control of their thoughts, avoid sexual pitfalls, and establish a habit that ensures they remain “pure.” And the best thing? It only takes 6 weeks to gain victory!
Here’s an exact quote from the book:
‘You can win this battle by training your eyes to ‘bounce’ away from sights of pretty women and sensual images. If you ‘bounce your eyes’ for six weeks, you can win this war. The problem is that your eyes have always bounced toward the sexual, and you’ve made no attempt to end this habit. To combat it, you need to build a reflex action by training your eyes to immediately bounce away from the sexual, like the jerk of your hand away from a hot stove.”
What’s the problem with this idea?
Well, a lot of things, starting with the idea that women are “temptation grenades” that men need to avoid, thereby making women an object of sexual temptation vs. an object of sexual desire. It also naively promises results in a relatively short period of time for something that has pretty complex and deep roots.
However, the main reason this type of thinking only invites failure is that it approaches the issues of porn and sex as a behavior modification issue and not a psychological issue. In other words, one can find freedom from their addiction if they simply exercise more self-control over their urges. This is “white-knuckle” thinking and clearly places one’s emphasis and efforts on the wrong thing.
That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t strive to avoid objectifying others. Nor does it imply we shouldn’t work to eliminate problematic behaviors. But when we focus strictly on behavior modification techniques, we set ourselves up for a fall since we never address the root of the problem and/or behavior, which is the driving force behind our compulsions.
2. Lock down everything!
This one is still a very common “recovery” step that many flock to the minute they decide they have a problem and need help. They download filters, install blockers, and eliminate or severely limit access to a variety of apps, media platforms, and devices in the hopes that they can mitigate any temptation that may lure them to acting out sexually.
Now again, there is nothing wrong with using filters or blockers as a preventative measure to help simplify your life. I myself utilize the “safe-search” feature (when available) whenever I am looking for certain images on Google or other photo websites. I do that not because I am afraid that if I see a stray boob I’ll relapse, but because I rather just not see it and have to deal with the hassle.
However, for many, filters and blockers are used more as a crutch than a boundary. The thought process is that if I can’t control myself when I see a spicy image or video, then the best option is just to eliminate any potential for a fall in the first place. Of course, on the surface, that idea sounds logical. But again, it misses the point and only invites future failure.
Here’s why…
First, when we use filters as our recovery crutch, what happens when that crutch is removed? We fall. And the reality is that’s going to happen because technology is always developing which creates new vulnerabilities and loopholes even with the “best “ software. I hear from guys all the time who have to use an unprotected device for work or upgrade their phone and suddenly find themselves lost and hopeless because they no longer have a filter defending their integrity.
Second, similar to the bounce your eyes issue, when we focus all our attention on locking down our access to the things that so easily distract us, we fail to recognize or address the real cause of the problem. The truth is that porn is not the problem. Yes, it is a problem and not good for our society, but it’s not the problem. You need to place more effort on figuring out why you need porn and sex to get through your week than just trying to eliminate the possibility of acting out with these things.
3. Pray it goes away.
This one is very common as well, particularly with “religious” folk and/or Christians. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard or read advice from well-meaning leaders and bloggers that if people want to get rid of their “dirty porn habit” they just need to submit more to God’s authority and pray for deliverance. The thinking here is that porn use is primarily a spiritual issue and therefore what’s needed are spiritual interventions.
Again, there is nothing wrong with prayer. When one is struggling with porn or sexual compulsions, prayer is certainly needed and valuable. In fact, empirical evidence from recent studies shows that spiritual practices can be very beneficial for mental and emotional health. Also, there are situations where there is something to be said for more humility and the need to submit our desires to God’s desires. However, I have never seen someone pray their porn away. Never. At least not for an extended period of time.
The two primary issues with this mindset that invite failure are as follows:
First, while porn and sexual compulsions certainly are “sin” issues, generally when it comes to the people who are seeking recovery and freedom, sin is not the main issue. What I mean is that their primary problem is not spiritual inadequacy, but rather emotional wounds and trauma that have led them to relying on maladaptive coping mechanisms (like porn) for dealing with the realities and challenges of life.
Second, praying for deliverance is, in all honesty, a little lazy. Yes, pray for God’s help. But don’t do so as a way to escape doing any work yourself. When someone says, “I just can’t beat this thing so I’m waiting for God to take it off my plate,” they are in essence giving up and waiting for a miraculous delivery. And, from my experience, God typically doesn’t work that way. Yes, we are supposed to seek him and not rely solely on our efforts, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t put in any effort.
Realize that recovery is work. We talked about that here. It requires far more than behavior management, temptation avoidance, or spiritual piety. These sorts of things can be helpful when approached with a healthy mindset, but they won’t solve your porn problem by themselves and will often result in relapse. Recovery requires a change in how you think and live, and it’s a process. Embrace the journey and don’t look for quick fixes.
That is the path to real and lasting change.
By the way, if you are looking for a safe place to start your recovery journey, look no further than Small Groups Online. Our online support groups are perfect for those seeking sexual integrity, community, and mental wellbeing. Use code DOLLAR34 at checkout to get your first month for just $1.