Have you ever considered how profoundly important your relationship with your child(ren) is, especially during the early stages? Research suggests that those relationships shape the chemical processes in the brain responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation and memory development.  

A psychiatrist, John Bowlby, studied early emotional bonds between children and their primary caregivers. He discovered early childhood experiences affect the way children relate to others in the future. He introduced the attachment theory.

Everyone has an attachment style, a set of core beliefs about self and others:  

  • Do you believe that you are worthy of being loved? 
  • Do you believe that you are competent to get the love you need? 
  • Do you believe that others are reliable and trustworthy? 
  • Do you believe that others are accessible and willing to respond to you when you need them to be?  

The combined beliefs about self and others form the expectations about future relationships and determine one’s particular attachment style (secure, ambivalent, avoidant, disorganized).  Mary Ainsworth, a psychologist, joined John Bowlby in his study and developed a method to  measure security in infants. She found that when securely attached children become emotionally upset, they seek closeness and comfort from their primary caregivers. The primary  caregivers are secure bases. Children will begin to play and explore again when they are calmed by their caregivers. However, insecurely attached children do not rely on their primary  caregivers. Either they avoid or angrily cling to their primary caregivers.  

When children expect a primary caregiver to be available, physically and/or emotionally, to them in times of stress and the caregiver is not, then attachment injuries occur. Fear increases  rather than subsides and has the potential to paralyze the child as the pain is amplified. If the  caregiver remains unavailable, the attachment injury wounds the soul. As a Father, you have an incredible responsibility to provide fundamental safety and security needs. Attachment injuries can ignite the core pains of life, including: anger, fear, anxiety, suffering and grief.  

So what does all of this have to do with recovery? Your own emotional distress or discomfort  with closeness prevents you from being fully present and actively engaged with your children. Addiction in the family system creates inconsistency, chaos, roles that are unclear,  arbitrariness, limits that change, repetitiousness, arguments and illogical thinking, to name a  few. This can have lasting effects on your children’s future relationships such as deep friendships and intimate marriages. Research suggests that when children grow up in those types of environments, their brains become addicted to the continuous release of endogenous opioids. When they experience something unfamiliar, even if it’s positive, they will feel an overwhelming desire to return to the familiarity of chaos.  

When you invest in your recovery, you invest in your children and the future of their relationships. You have a profound influence on their attachment style. And if your children are a little older, you still have an incredible opportunity to influence their attachment style. Fathers develop a secure attachment very differently than the way Mothers do. Generally speaking, Fathers express love in more action-oriented ways, such as: wrestling, pillow fights, sports, hide-and-seek, tag, fishing and hunting, to name a few. Bonds of love are formed when you connect in those ways. You have the ability to become a harbour of safety in times of trouble; a warm and trustworthy caregiver.  

Consider signing up for X3pure 30-day course – Take an intentional step toward personal  growth and sobriety by committing to the X3pure 30-day course, which provides the tools and  accountability necessary to develop healthier habits and become the responsible, respectful father your children need. 

Father’s Day just passed and while you might have received another tie or World’s Best Dad coffee mug, the better gift is doing the work of recovery, healing and being more connected with your children.  

 

References: Clinton, Dr. Tim & Sibcy, Dr. Gary. Attachments: Why You Love, Feel and Act the  Way You Do Unlock the Secret to Loving and Lasting Relationships. Tennessee, Thomas  Nelson Publishers, 2002.