In early June 2023 my wife was pregnant with our first child (we have another on the way now!); I wanted to be completely focused on being a new dad, but I had just slipped up with porn – again. My wife had known I had a porn struggle before we got married, but she wasn’t aware that I was still falling every few months. 

My goal at the time was to continue to grind through – which to me meant working as hard as I could to change my behavior, without letting my wife know I was still struggling. Something inside, however, said this wasn’t going to work. I met with a buddy from my church at Starbucks and told him about my most recent fall (as well as the fact that I had not been honest about some things in my past with my wife).

He listened to me explain my situation and asked several insightful questions. Then he challenged me to share with my wife what I had told him. He said if I wanted to have a successful marriage I would have to take the risk of greater transparency.  

I knew what I had to do. I went home and had this difficult conversation with my wife. (To be fair, I think it took several conversations. I was afraid to share everything at once!) What I shared broke my wife’s heart. However, she is an amazing woman of faith – she forgave me and wanted to support me. 

I really believe my sharing was a turning point in our marriage. It opened the lines of communication. Most importantly, it allowed me to feel like my wife could love the real me, even when I had failed. She has become my greatest ally in my recovery journey. Our conversation also helped me to leave much of the shame I felt on a regular basis behind. Now, I am not saying your wife should be your only (or even your primary) accountability partner, especially if you are in the early stages of recovery. 

But the more honesty, transparency and trust you can bring to the most important human relationship you will ever have, the more progress you will make in your recovery.

While admitting to your spouse that you have a porn problem is a good start, it can’t be the end. I knew once I confessed to my wife that I needed to continue to work hard at recovery. When your spouse sees how serious you are about changing, this can help bring further healing and a greater sense of trust. For me it removed much of the shame and secrecy that seemed to be keeping me stuck and in hiding. 

It is said that trust is lost in buckets but earned in drops. I caution that seeking to heal broken relationships can and will take time. Rebuilding trust is not a one-time occurrence. It is a daily practice. If you diligently work to restore trust in your relationship, then healing and restoration are both possible

As I’ve continued to take steps forward in my recovery, I have found the importance of taking a holistic approach. Among the things I encourage: 

  1. Join the Live Free Community. This has been a great support for me on my recovery journey. Having a group of guys I can check in daily with and meet with weekly in a virtual setting, has been important. We are not meant to do this journey alone. (If your wife is struggling with your addiction, she can also join the Live Free Wives Community.) 
  2. I also found that individual counseling can be a huge support. A well trained counselor can help us to dive deeper into some of our core beliefs (and/or past trauma) that may be keeping us stuck.
  3. Finally, I recommend that if you are regularly struggling with porn use, getting some type of filtering or accountability software on your devices can be another source of help. (My wife and several buddies of mine receive a weekly report of my internet use activity.) It helps me to know that others will see how I am using my time online. Again, this addiction thrives in darkness, so anything you can do to bring it to the light will help.