Some of you are more courageous than me.
I never shared my sexual struggles. I isolated. I covered up. I hid. I guarded myself from getting too close to others. Even when I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit over my sexual sin, I pushed Him away. I did not have the guts to come forward and seek help.
I thought I could handle my struggles. I thought I was strong enough to overcome them. Eventually, I thought, I’ll get to a place where I could “outholy” my hangups with my righteous devotion and spiritual disciplines. Or maybe I would outgrow my desire for sexual content. The bomb kept growing and ticking in my life.
My heart was hardened, my understanding was darkened, and I had no idea how far I had strayed from God’s calling to purity. After a while, the conviction the Holy Spirit sent me was a distant pang. I barely felt Him or heard Him. I didn’t get help until my bomb went off.
I got caught looking at porn on a work computer. I was asked to resign my ministry and leave the area because of it. I almost lost my family in the process. It took a blow like this to get my attention. The bomb brought the humbling and brokenness I was missing. But the carnage was greater because I hid my secrets.
If I had the courage to share my secret sexual sins the consequences might not have been so painful.
I’m impressed with those who email, call our Google Voice line, or approach me after church on Sunday to get help for their sexual sin. They are taking a brave step. It takes a lot of _________ [guts, balls, courage] to share your junk with another person.
A SMALL STEP IS HUGE FOR THE STRUGGLER
Sure it’s only an email or a phone call, but it’s GIGANTIC for the man or woman who has been hiding for years, never telling a soul of their secret struggles. Of course they’ll have to take other, more painful steps to get clean. But it is a step in the right direction.
I was so paralyzed by my fears I couldn’t take one step. I was so conflicted with my sexual sin, I had to rationalize it and minimize it so I could continue living with myself. My self-deception became so bad I began to believe that God was OK with my sinning, that He somehow tolerated it.
Some of you are sitting in the same pocket of fear and internal conflict I experienced. Are you ready to be courageous and reach out for help?
It’s only a matter of time before your deeds of darkness will be exposed. At some point, you will slip up. You will get caught. You will forget to wipe the history on your browser or cover the tracks of your secret relationship. Or, perhaps, God will allow your spouse or boss to figure it out. I thought I had covered my tracks on the office computer. It was weeks later that my pornographic surfing was found out. It is not hard for God to open the eyes of others so we get caught.
I hope you will be courageous.
Walking in truth. Confessing your sins. Repenting of your sinful behaviors. Seeking help from safe, skilled people. These are the keys to victory.
Originally Posted on Porn to Purity.com. [email protected]