“Just Say No”.. You are only horny.

 By Chuck Gobin

I was reading some of the comments posted in reply to Steve-Oh’s blog, “What’cha Looking at, Willis?” I was struck by one reader’s comment that to suggest any motivation other than lust is just fooling ourselves. The analogy the writer used was one of appetite: we eat because we’re hungry; we look at porn because we want to look at porn.

Let’s try that out for a minute. Does that also mean that when I don’t look at porn, it’s because I don’t want to? Is “hunger,” or the lack of it, a reliable indicator of how I’m doing?

I wish it were that simple, and for years I fooled myself into thinking it was. The voice of Nancy Reagan urging drug addicts to “just say no” is still echoing out there. It’s ironic that I can hear stories of people struggling with food issues and hear a critical voice in my head saying, “why don’t they just stop eating (or start, as the case may be),” but when I look at how powerless I was over my own addiction to porn, a good bit of that powerlessness stemmed from the fact that I thought I was in control, that I could “stop at any time.” Of course, that mantra came with the caveats that “any time” was not today and when the day did come, my exit from porn would be quiet, controlled, and very private.

The reality is that we look at porn for all sorts of reasons, none of them good. I want to take a quick look at just two:

  • We’re horny and are looking for some kind of release. This is the textbook reason, but I think it’s rarely the root motivation. If it were, then you’d think there would be some kind of connection between hormones and porn — that it’s more of a young man’s game, or at least attached in some way to the size of a guy’s libido. When I first started going to a men’s recovery group, I was caught off guard at first by the range of ages represented: teenagers to retirees. Over time, I’ve seen that this isn’t something you just get out of your system, like the proverbial sowing of wild oats.

 

  • We’re feeling somehow disconnected from the reality of our face-to-face lives, and going to a website or a magazine gives us an alternative reality that is immediate, makes us feel “in control,” and allows us to “check out.” I think this is closer to the real reason, but I think we’re slow to acknowledge it because, let’s face it, option #1 is a more socially acceptable cover: we’re just a guy being a guy. Facing option #2 means I have to admit there’s something lacking in my life, something I don’t want to look at.

Addictive or compulsive behavior never develops in a vacuum; there are always underlying reasons. Likewise, experiencing real freedom from any addictive or compulsive behavior doesn’t just happen in a vacuum either. The first step beyond acknowledging that you have a problem (and deciding to do that in some form of community) is to begin peeling the onion of motivation, refusing to be satisfied with merely the explanation of the urge.