I sit in the tears.
Broken.
For the Umpteenth time this week.
My stomach is facing that familiar feeling. Being suspended like a pendulum. Swinging back and forth gaining more and more momentum. The guilt, loneliness, fear, and pain increasing as the minutes went by. The pain that at times feels almost unbearable. Am I the only one? Am I ever going to change? Questions bombard my mind and soul leaving me powerless and fighting with the devil. He opened the door and I entered the pit willingly.
I know that I have to stop looking at the images. The men alone, with each other, in groups….the sexual urges and images becoming more and more prominent in my life. I know the addiction begins to worsen with time. That’s why I’m sitting on a bench in the middle of the woods at 2:36 a.m. after having sex with another anonymous man, a face I neither saw nor a name I bothered to ask for. Still I chose to do this. I knew what I was doing when answered the online ad. I knew what I was doing when I drove here. I took the energy to make it happen. Now, all the feelings from before, the adrenaline, the rush of hormones, the risk of getting caught….are gone. I sit here empty and alone. I risked my life and have nothing to show for it but the knowledge that I made the wrong decision again.
There is no pit too deep, too dark, that God cannot pull you out of. I truly believe that this was my lowest point. However, sometimes God allows us to fall down as many times as it takes for us to realize, we just need to lay down for awhile. Then when He has had the chance to heal the wounds He needs to heal, we can move on.
Moving forward can be frightening. However you cannot do it alone. I know I couldn’t. It took an arsenal. I was so lost Jesus had to be my Drill Sargent. So look for help. Join SA, talk to your pastor, make sure you install accountability software (my saving grace), comment on this blog! But above all remember to be honest and pure because in the end you don’t have any other choice.
You can be free and alive!