When I wrote last weeks blog “If It Looks Like A Duck” I didn’t realize there would be so many questions. I believe that most of the questions were answered by me or others who shared their thoughts. But there was one question that I thought needed to be answered and that is going to be the topic of this weeks blog.
In my blog last week I wrote that there were 2 types of sex drives a natural loving sex drive and an addictive one. One of the readers asked if I could discuss these two drives further? He also said that he finds that as I battle
addiction I want to have sex with my wife more, not just to get off but
a real desire for intimacy, but she doesn’t want to. The more she
refuses, the easier it is to justify masturbating.
Let me insert a disclaimer now. I am in no way an expert on the subject of women and their feelings, just ask my wife. I screw this up! But from what I have read and gotten from listening to my wife this is what I have learned, not mastered, learned.
When I first read the comment that ” I want to have sex with my wife more, not just to get off but desire intimacy, but she doesn’t want to. The more she refuses, the easier it is for me to justify masturbation” It didn’t seem to me like he wanted intimacy because his next statement was pretty much that you took care of business your self. With that being said, when it comes to sex we as men are like machines, ready to go at the push of a button. That button could be anything, your wife looks at you a certain way, says something that you took to mean shes in the mood,sneeze,cough, we are ready to roll anything, can push that button. Heck, we could be in a full body cast and be ready to go. Women need time. They need emotional intimacy.
Emotional intimacy is so rich, so
fulfilling for a woman. It doesn’t replace the need for sex, but for
her, the emotional need is as intense as the physical need. And when
that need is fulfilled by her husband and sustained through thoughtful TALK time, it is much easier for her to move more quickly into a
sexual mode.
But what if that doesn’t happen? You may not
realize it, but when you show disappointment that your wife doesn’t
respond to you sexually, you send a nonverbal message that she may hear
as this: “oh no. You mean I have to listen to you before I use you?”
That may sound crass, but that’s how your sexual advances may make your
wife feel. A woman has a God-given need to connect emotionally, but if
that need is either not recognized or is dismissed, she feels
that her husband is only using her to gratify his sexual desires.
Ever have a conversation with your wife in which you are mumbling, “yes, dear… I understand, honey… Uh-huh, sweetheart,”
but if she asked you what she just said, you couldn’t to
tell her? A woman’s need to talk has become a standard sitcom joke, but
it is not a joke. For many women, talking as a way to work through
thoughts, feelings, ideas, and problems. It’s the way we’re wired, and
it’s solid wiring. Sure, just like your wiring, it can short-circuit
sometimes. But overall, it’s a positive way to express and process her
thoughts and emotions. Be wise: listen to her and draw her out. It will
draw you closer as a couple.
Everyone
agrees that after a full day’s work both men and women are weary and
exhausted. But what I have come to realize is that when women get home from work they fee; they are alone in the overwhelming task of the regular household duties. The old saying goes a womens work is never done. If she stays home she has a ton of things to do and when we get home they have to worry about cleaning up our mess.This is a “fun time killer” if you know what I mean and I think you do. Help her out, first you shouldn’t just help her out so you can “get it on”. You should help because its the right thing to do. I am preaching to myself here. I have found that just helping with a few tasks takes some of the stress off of her. Get the kids a bath, help put them to bed,clean up after supper. Do something!At the end of the night this gives you more time for the emotional intimacy which can lead to physical intimacy and not just a “wham-bam-thank you mam” that she feels is just another chore of the day. Spend time with her. Take your wife on a date or on a short (no children) vacation where you recharge your relationship. If you start taking care of your wife’s emotional needs you may see that at times she may even be the aggressor. How bout that?
The 2 types of sex drives question I find easy to answer the first one because it was answered in the above paragraphs. That is the natural loving sex drive, for men it’s not going to take much. Our desire for sex is usually in overdrive. We as men (and women) have a natural desire for sex (we like what we see and don’t need to talk about it) and companionship.Women on the other hand,most of the time need us to be emotionally intimate so they can reach the same physical desire we have. As for the addictive sex drive. Just take time and read the confessions section (https://xxxchurch.com/gethelp/confessions/) and you will see stories from people who have the addictive sex drive and the damage it causes. I am willing to bet that after reading just 3 confessions you will know exactly what it is rather then me trying to explain. Sometimes seeing for yourself if the best way to learn.Thanks for the great question I really enjoyed answering it this week. It even made me have a heart to heart with well…….ME!
As a side note if you are struggling with porn addiction check out www.x3pure.com it is a great 30 day program that will get you on the road to recovery. Also check out xxxchurch.com for upcoming events. Check the dates for Porn and Pancakes events in your area. You get a good breakfast and some great information about porn addiction and the dangers of porn. The next Porn and Pancakes is in Atlanta this weekend. Craig will be speaking along with Donny Pauling ex porn producer. All information about the event can be found at xxxchurch.com. Oh yeah I will be in Atlanta too. Not speaking, but I will be there to support the X3 crew. Until next week take care!
STEVE-OH
LOVE JESUS/LOVE PEOPLE