“The total amount of undesired sex endured by women is probably greater in marriage than in prostitution.” Bertrand Russell (British philosopher)

 “Undesired sex endured” = my wife doesn’t want it, but she puts up with it, or is forced to have it

Men, so much of this is about us and our desire for an orgasm.  We give little consideration to our wives, their souls, their needs and their desires.  We are focused on self.  Getting our desires filled.  Pursuing our lust.  We lust when we are in Consume Mode.  I want.  I must have.  I will go after it. 

Q:   X-ray your motivations.  Is sex more about you and getting your desires met?  How often are you in Consume Mode, rather than Serve Mode?

Here are some words you need to start associating with sex:

Loving – You want to show affection for your wife.  Meet her needs.  Build her up.  Respect her the boundaries and “safety zone”.

Sacrificing – Sometimes I have to give up what I want in order to serve my wife.  There are times when I want sex, but will need to let go.  There are times when my wife will want sex, and I will want sleep, and I will need to focus on her.

Giving – I want to give more than I take. 

Serving –I consider the needs of my wife more important than my own and seek to help her, give her pleasure, etc.

I didn’t believe it until my counselor asked me to abstain from sex with my wife for 4 weeks.  My wife had an emotional breakdown and needed a break from the pressures I was putting on her for sex.  I wasn’t sure I could make it, but I was willing to try for the sake of my wife and my marriage.  Here’s a couple of lessons learned from my sexual fast.

My balls didn’t explode – I could go weeks without having an orgasm.  It didn’t kill me.  Sure it hurt for a couple of days while I was going through withdrawals.  But my body quickly adjusted and I was fine.

Sex was not a need – It’s not in the same category as food, water, or shelter.  My body can function without a sexual release.  I’ve believed a lustful lie.

Love, touch, value, support, friendship are essential – God has not designed me to be alone and to do life in isolation.  I need Him and I need others.  But I need them on a much deeper heart level. 

Hanging with my wife is awesome – If sex had a color it would be RED.  If touch time had a color it would be YELLOW.  Hang time is mostly GREEN.  We guys shortcut the green and the yellow and only go for the RED.  The depth of a loving, romantic, emotional, sexual relationship comes with large amounts of green and yellow.

Serving my wife brings deep satisfaction – When I get selfish lusts out of the way and put my wife’s needs above mine godly things happen.  When it works right [and we’re still working on it] I get a bigger kick out of my wife’s needs and desires being met. 

Married guys … we need to scratch deeper.  Grow up.  Stop being a selfish child when it comes to sex. 

Single guys… get a bigger vision for what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.  An orgasm is only a very small part of it.–

Jeff Fisher podcasts regularly on his show Top Tips For Sexual Purity Podcast (I-Tunes)).  He and his wife run the site PorntoPurity.com and live in the Raleigh, NC area.