SCARFI meet with about 20 guys each week who are working on their sexual struggles. Some meetings are face-to-face, some are online, and some are over the phone, but no matter the method, most of these guys are cautious about sharing their deepest struggles. Why? Because they’ve been burned by others or they haven’t experienced the unconditional, familial love of support.

They haven’t felt safe.

It’s so easy for guys with porn addiction to isolate themselves, or to only tell some of what they are struggling with. But we want to create an environment that makes it easy to share – like a family – so as we’ve worked toward that, these five SCARF guidelines have emerged from our weekly groups.


We want this group to be a safe place to share, where you’re accepted no matter what – just like a family. We take risks in our sharing and build trust with one another. We show love, mercy, listen and extend grace. Inside the group, you’re covered.

But what if you’ve done something illegal? That actions should be shared, but only with a counselor or minister who will know how to respond to it appropriately. We don’t want to put the safety of our group family at risk by exposing everyone to illegal information.


Safety outside the group is important, too. The details we talk about in private are not to be shared with others outside without express permission – what is said here, stays here. Prayer lists at church are great, but they can easily turn into gossip lists. Confidentiality is critical to building trust in our group.

We are available to one another, and support extends outside our family group. We make ourselves available through email, phone calls, texts, social media, and face-to-face connections.


We must show respect in this group toward one another. We want to use our words to build up, not destroy. This goes for girlfriends, spouses, parents, and people in our past. It’s okay to talk about them and even vent if we need to, but we must show respect and take the high road when we’ve been wounded. The Golden Rule is very helpful here: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.


It’s not our job to fix each other. We may have experience in recovery and want to share it, but we do not have the ability to fix. Fixing takes place in the heart, and that’s God’s territory. It’s okay to share your story and the ways you were able to overcome your struggles, but do it with humility. Nobody wants to be preached at. (Tweet This!) Spend more energy in group listening, praying, supporting, and loving. 

Before you know it, you’ll feel like family.

[Looking for place to get open and honest about your struggles? Signup for an X3group today and get the safe community you’ve been serching for]


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SCARF This: 5 Steps To Building Your Own Family by is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NoDerivatives 4.0 International License.