For anyone struggling with compulsive sexual behaviors like pornography use, the message we often hear, especially in religious spaces, goes something like this…

  • Try harder.
  • Pray more.
  • Resist better.
  • Control yourself and don’t “indulge.”

It’s a message rooted in the belief that recovery is mainly about self-control, strong moral willpower, and strong faith. And if you fail?

Well…

  • You just didn’t try hard enough. 
  • You weren’t spiritual enough. 
  • You lacked the needed discipline.

But what if the issue isn’t primarily about weak willpower or poor moral character? What if the real issue lies deeper, much deeper. What if our unwanted behaviors are more related to unregulated nervous systems, maladaptive stress responses, and/or our unprocessed emotional pain?

This is the difference between seeing porn and recovery as a matter of self-control vs. nervous system regulation. And this basic understanding has the ability to shape your entire recovery journey direction. 

Understand that will power is not a bad thing, per say. Self-control does matter and is one of the “spiritual fruits” Paul talks about in Galatians. The truth is we all need boundaries and the ability to delay gratification. But when the dominant recovery strategy is “just say no,” it often fails. Not because people are lazy or immoral, but because it ignores a core truth:

You can’t white-knuckle your way through a dysregulated nervous system.

Most people who turn to pornography or other sexual outlets compulsively are not doing so because they are driven by lust alone. They are seeking relief from anxiety, loneliness, boredom, shame, or deep emotional pain. And it is in this sense that things like porn become a form of self-soothing, even if it ultimately leads to more distress

In other words, their dysregulated nervous systems need correction and these coping mechanisms can do the trick when needed.

To understand this more clearly, we can turn to polyvagal theory, developed by Dr. Stephen Porges. It helps explain how our nervous system responds to perceived threats, whether they be physical, emotional, or relational.

Porges explains that when we feel safe and connected, we operate from the ventral vagal state, a place of calm, engagement, and presence. But when we experience stress, rejection, or inner turmoil, our system can shift into sympathetic activation (fight-or-flight) or dorsal vagal shutdown (freeze, numb, disconnect).

It is in these states rational thinking and self-control become harder, if not impossible. 

To put it simply, the part of the brain responsible for wise decision-making goes offline while our more anxious and emotional brain takes the wheel. So when someone in a dysregulated state reaches for porn, it’s often not a conscious, moral choice. It’s a survival response.

This is why I have often told guys struggling to understand “why” they do what they hate that they aren’t acting out because they want to be a bad person, but because they need to emotionally stay afloat.

Unfortunately, this understanding is often absent in faith-based recovery spaces. Many Christian teachings emphasize holiness, righteousness, and resisting sin. These are important concepts for sure. But often they can be misapplied. Especially when such messaging ignores the physiological reality of dysregulation and unintentionally compounds shame instead of encouraging healing and growth.

The truth is that a man who “fails again” might be told he’s not surrendering to God enough, or that he needs more accountability or spiritual discipline. But no amount of Scripture memorization or prayer will help someone who is in a chronic state of nervous system dysregulation if they don’t know how to regulate first.

This is because our values flow from the top down, but regulation happens from the bottom up.

However, this isn’t meant to imply that one’s faith is useless or meaningless. Far from it. But it does mean that real transformation often starts with compassion and regulation, not condemnation and control.

So then, what does help?

Tools that support nervous system regulation are often missing from the conversation but are absolutely vital for recovery. Here are a few examples:

1) Grounding techniques

Practices like deep breathing, noticing your body, or connecting to your environment can help bring your system out of a fight-flight-freeze response and into a state of calm. Mindfulness exercises, bilateral stimulation, or even massage can support a deeper connection to the body and help slow down internal disruption.

2) Co-regulation

Safe, supportive relationships help bring our nervous system back into balance. This is because humans are wired to heal in connection. It’s also why many of our struggles stem from insecure or damaged attachment patterns in the past. Find a supportive community or join a recovery-focused small group. These places of healing and acceptance can go a long way in helping your brain and nervous system calm down.

3) Emotional literacy

Learning to name and feel your emotions without acting on them is a powerful skill. Often, what looks like a “lust problem” is actually an emotion regulation issue. This can be especially difficult for someone who is emotionally wounded or underdeveloped in that area. That’s why seeking help from a trained therapist can be life-changing

4) Somatic awareness

Practices like body scans, gentle movement, or trauma-informed therapy help people become more attuned to the signals of their nervous system and intervene earlier, before falling into compulsive patterns. Trauma-sensitive yoga is an excellent example of this type of therapeutic practice.

Ultimately, when we focus on building our capacity to regulate, we make room for lasting change. As a result, self-control becomes less about gripping tightly and more about responding wisely.

So, if you’ve struggled for years with porn and feel like a failure because you just can’t seem to say no, please hear this: 

You are not broken. You are not weak. You are not a moral disgrace.

What you may be is dysregulated, stuck in patterns that once helped you survive pain or numb stress but no longer serve you. And healing doesn’t start with a demand for more control. It starts with understanding, safety, and learning new ways to soothe your body and soul. You don’t need to prove your worth by conquering sin through willpower. You need to recover safety in your body and from that place, you’ll find the strength, clarity, and freedom to pursue the values you hold and practice the faith you cherish.

Because in the end recovery is not about suppressing desire through force. It’s about understanding why you’re seeking escape in the first place and learning to respond with care rather than condemnation.

You don’t need more shame. You need more regulation. And that’s not “weakness” or an excuse. It’s wisdom in action.