This can be a lonely time of the year. 

Perhaps you’re single, and all the Valentine’s Day festivities rub salt in the wound. Or maybe you’re married, and your relationship with your wife is on the rocks; some of the loneliest people in the world are married. When you’re miles apart from your spouse it’s easy to withdraw into isolation… that steamy, dark place with the manure smell where lust thrives. 

In isolation, the pull to turn to porn intensifies. Now we’re one step away from the edge of the cliff; taking the plunge and going on a binge would be easy.

And miserable. We know that if we go there we’ll only layer shame over loneliness, making our disposition twice as rotten as before. Better to deal with the root issue than take the street with a dead end.

Here are five action steps to take for dealing with loneliness and isolation.

1. If you’re alone, turn it into a positive; quiet time with God is a great place to start. Learning to enjoy listening to God in silence is often a forgotten art in today’s wired, always-on-the-move society. Settle your heart into stillness, and turn your attention to the Lord. Ask God where He wants you to go in His word, and roll with it. Allow Him to minister to you, and journal what He gives you. There’s nothing like the joy that comes from knowing God is speaking to us. To isolate is to withdraw from God and others; here you’ll be connecting with the Lord and pushing out of isolation. You can find true peace and contentment as your draw near to Him, which, you’ll never find in porn.

2. Turn on praise music, and worship the Lord. Spend time thanking Him for what you have instead of focusing on what you don’t. There have been many times in my life where I’ve turned a sour disposition around just from spending time thanking God for all the blessings he’s showered on my life. Thanking Him for the trials as well as the good parts will raise the altitude of your attitude even further.

3. If your marriage is on the rocks, set hot button issues aside and do something out of the ordinary for your wife… and I don’t mean just on Valentine’s Day. Bring her a gift, take her somewhere she likes, write her a heart-felt card… or even just take out the trash without being asked. Look for ways to serve her that will be meaningful to her. Ask how her day was, and then listen. Abstain from watching junk-food-TV (which, these days, is almost everything), and spend time with her.  Resolve not to criticize her for anything.

4. If you want the best marriage God has for you, take a hard look at your priorities. Those of us who are married should make God our first priority and then our wives are second. Nothing comes before our wives but God. A lot of guys put on the Sunday School mask and quote “God, wife and other things are my priorities,” but their lives don’t come close to lining up with this (I know because of been one of those men). If you really want to know if your wife has second place in your life, ask her. If the answer isn’t positive, ask what she feels is more important to you then her. Then take the action steps needed that will show her you’re serious about making her #2.

5. Pack your life with other men. In our support group for men who struggle with porn I would often ask them if they had other male friends. Most didn’t. A lot of men sit at home and wait for the phone to ring and then pout and blame the church when no one reaches out to them. If you want to live out of isolation you must be proactive, which means asking other men if they’ll meet for lunch or breakfast. It may take you out of your comfort zone, but the end result is worth it. I have lunch meetings with one man on Thursdays, several others on Tuesdays, and then another friend once a month. At least two of these came about because I took the initiative and asked if we could meet. One benefit from these relationships is I know that if I were to screw up and view porn, I’d have to be accountable to all these guys, and my wife. Not fun.

Mike Genung struggled with sexual addiction for 20 years before God set him free in 1999. He is the founder of Blazing Grace, and the author of The Road to Grace; Finding True Freedom from the Bondage of Sexual Addiction, available at www.roadtograce.net