Barbecues, concerts, baseball games, swimming, boating, parades, fireworks..all to  commemorate America’s independence and freedom! It’s worth celebrating for sure. What about freedom on a more personal level? Freedom from shame.  

Shame; a universal and ancient emotion that we all experience. Only those who lack the capacity for human connection and empathy don’t experience it. Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and  therefore unworthy of love, belonging and connection.” 

While guilt focuses on behavior, shame focuses on self. It sounds like this: I am bad. I have to hide that I am in recovery. I don’t belong. I am an unlovable human being. I am completely and utterly alone. No one could possibly understand.  

We are afraid to even talk about shame, which only generates more power and control over us. Brown said, “Shame thrives on secrecy, silence and judgement. If you put shame into a petri dish and douse it with these three things, it will grow exponentially into every corner and crevice of our lives.”  

And because shame creates some deep core beliefs about self, it does not drive positive change. Instead, it corrodes the belief that we can in fact change.  

Shame is so ego-centric that it dismantles our ability to consider another person’s experience. The only concern about others involves how they might be judging us. When shame is present, we are unable to process information about others, unless it pertains to their perceived view of us.  

We do have a choice, though. We can either continue down the shame spiral OR we can reach out and share with someone who responds with empathy.  

I imagine that sounds terrifying, however shame dissipates in the presence of empathy. Shame fears disconnection. We believe that we: did something, failed to do something, haven’t lived up to an idea or haven’t accomplished a goal, therefore we are unworthy of connection. 

Find a Counselor Who Specializes in Sexual Addiction or Betrayal Trauma – Whether you’re  the one struggling or the one impacted, professional support helps you understand your patterns and build tools for sustainable recovery.  

A professional counselor can also help you practice self-compassion which can assist you in  moving through shame. Self compassion is offering kindness to yourself by being warm and understanding rather than ignoring the pain.  

The practice of self-compassion can help you recognize that:  

  • Imperfections, failure and experiencing life difficulties are inevitable.  
  • Suffering and feeling inadequate are part of the shared human experience rather than  something that happens to you alone.  

Self-compassion can feel unnatural and difficult, especially if it was never modeled to you. Here are some questions to consider to help you develop a resilience to shame:  

  • Can you physically recognize when you are in the grasp of shame? 
  • Can you name it?
  • Can you feel your way through it? 
  • Can you figure out what messages and expectations triggered it?  
  • Can you consider the facts in regards to the messages and expectations that are driving your shame?  
  • Are they realistic?  
  • Are they attainable?  
  • Are they what you want to be or what you think others need or want from you? Are you owning and sharing your story?  
  • Are you talking about how you feel? 
  • Are you asking for what you need? 
  • Do you recognize your deepest needs?  

A professional counselor can walk with you through each of the questions above. Freedom from shame is possible. It will require intentional, daily choices to pursue self compassion and empathy. Don’t let the lies of shame keep you in bondage. Let’s pursue freedom together! 

 

References: Brown, Brene. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the  Language of Human Experience. New York, Random House, 2021.