Over the years, as we’ve helped thousands of men and women navigate the often rough waters of recovery, one area where real change tends to stand out is in their boundaries. As I mentioned last week, those struggling with addiction usually have trouble in this area of life. This is because their boundaries are usually blurred, rigid, or even absent altogether. In fact, when entering recovery, it is very common for those desiring to establish boundaries to do so as a means of “salvation.” In other words, they create highly detailed and unforgiving boundaries to “keep” them sober and better define what behaviors they can and can’t safely engage in.
Yet this type of white-knuckling behavior is not effective in the long run and eventually breaks down in the face of challenges.
Understand, when I talk about “white-knuckle change,” I am referring to an approach where someone attempts to force themselves into sobriety purely through willpower and means that stress behavior modification rather than addressing the deeper issues that underlie their addiction and poor mental health. White-knuckle boundaries are typically rigid rules or lines that must not be crossed, no matter what.
These rules can very much feel like a prison, with little room for flexibility or understanding.
For example, a very common first step many take when trying to quit porn use is the installation of filters and parental controls designed to eliminate all situations or opportunities where they may be tempted. Yet this avoidance is driven by fear rather than a deeper understanding of their triggers or the reasons behind their compulsive behavior. In other words, they are only focused on the how, rather than the why.
This kind of boundary-setting is often accompanied by black-and-white thinking. In other words, the person believes they must be perfect in their adherence to these boundaries, viewing any slip-up as a complete failure. Ironically, as rigid as their boundaries often are, it is very common in the early stages of recovery for black-and-white thinkers to negotiate with their boundaries so they can still engage in certain fringe behaviors without crossing over into a full-blown relapse. An example of this would be seeing porn viewing as less of a problem if it is not accompanied by masturbation. Or, drawing the line at nudity versus viewing people in swimsuits or bikinis.
However, this approach can create a cycle of shame and guilt, where breaking a boundary leads to self-condemnation, which in turn can trigger the very behaviors the person is trying to avoid. These boundaries are not there to promote growth or understanding but to act as a rigid safety mechanism—one that only works as long as the person can maintain a constant, unsustainable level of vigilance. They also miss the point of drawing boundaries, focusing all efforts on curbing or modifying behavior rather than examining one’s intentions or motives.
In contrast, real change involves a shift in how boundaries are understood and implemented.
When someone experiences real change, they begin to see boundaries not as rigid lines but as guidelines that help them navigate their recovery journey and life in general. These boundaries are not just about keeping themselves away from temptation; they’re about creating an environment that fosters growth, self-awareness, and emotional health.
With real change, boundaries are established based on a deep understanding of one’s motives, emotional needs, and long-term goals. Instead of avoiding situations out of fear, the person starts to understand why certain triggers exist and how to deal with them constructively. This understanding allows for more flexible boundaries that can adapt as the person grows and learns. For example, instead of simply avoiding the internet, someone might set boundaries around when and how they use it, incorporating safeguards and accountability measures that help them use it in a healthy and productive way.
This approach also shifts the focus from perfection to progress.
In real change, the goal is not to avoid making mistakes but to learn from them. When a boundary is crossed, it’s not seen as a failure but as an opportunity to understand oneself better and to adjust boundaries accordingly. This process is far more forgiving and allows for the natural ups and downs of recovery. It acknowledges that growth is not linear and that setbacks can be a valuable part of the journey.
With this in mind, recognize that a crucial component of real change is the development of self-compassion. With white-knuckle change, individuals hold themselves to an impossible standard, which can lead to a cycle of self-punishment. However, when someone begins to experience real change, they start to treat themselves with the same compassion they would offer a friend. This shift in mindset is transformative because it changes the way they approach their boundaries.
With self-compassion, boundaries are no longer about punishment or restriction but about care and growth. The person recognizes that setting healthy boundaries is an act of self-love, not self-denial. They understand that it’s okay to say “no” to things that harm their well-being and that doing so is a positive step toward living a more fulfilling life.
This self-compassion also extends to how they handle lapses. Instead of spiraling into shame and guilt, someone experiencing real change will approach a lapse with curiosity and kindness, asking themselves what led to the slip and how they can adjust their boundaries to prevent it in the future.
This mindset fosters resilience and encourages continuous growth.
The funny thing is when I see someone who is experiencing real change talk about boundaries, they do so in a way that focuses on their intentions, motives, and best overall interests. It’s no longer about drawing lines around what links one can click or can’t click. Rather, it’s more about staying aware and examining one’s reason for clicking certain links and considering how one’s actions benefit or hurt them in the long run. This means that as boundaries may become less rigid from a behavioral standpoint, they become more intentional and thoughtful so one can better guard their heart and mind while securing a better future.
Ultimately, the type of boundaries one sets often acts as a strong indicator of what type of change someone is truly experiencing.
White-knuckle change relies on rigid, fear-based boundaries that often lead to frustration and relapse. In contrast, real change involves setting flexible, growth-oriented boundaries that are rooted in self-compassion and a deep understanding of one’s needs and emotions. These boundaries not only support sobriety but also contribute to one’s overall emotional health. Therefore, as you continue on your recovery journey, examine your boundaries. Are they behavior-focused or growth-focused? Because the answer to that question may very well indicate what side of change you currently are on.
By the way, if you want to learn more about the process of real change and what that looks like in the context of meaningful relationships, check out the X3pure recovery workshop.