In July, the United States celebrates its Independence Day, when the Founding Fathers signed the Declaration of Independence. While declaring freedom was one thing, the colonies didn’t just get to experience the fruits of independence right away. It took almost a decade of fighting with the British before the United States was finally recognized as its own independent nation. The American Revolution took time, effort, and sacrifice on the part of many people.
As the saying goes, freedom isn’t free. Like the American colonies’ journey to freedom, I think there are many parallels to recovery.
I have been on my recovery journey from porn and masturbation for about 8 years now. Like many men, I began my journey wanting to experience “freedom.” For me that meant stopping my compulsive sexual behaviors so I could “move on” with my life. I think like many guys, I wanted to a quick fix. I was hoping to simply modify my behavior without really digging deep into the why behind why I was doing it. And I wanted to do it alone.
Since that time, I have experienced a great deal of life change. When I started the journey, I was single – now I am married with a one-year-old. And while I’ve made a great deal of progress in my recovery, I know there is still more work to do. I really believe it’s because God wants to change much more in me than my compulsive sexual behaviors.
I really don’t prefer to use the word freedom when it comes to recovery anymore. I prefer the term real change, which speaks to the ongoing process of recovery. Here are some of the things I am learning real change takes which make it different than sobriety:
- Honesty and vulnerability. Like many guys, I don’t like talking about my weaknesses or admitting failures. For me, honesty and vulnerability are two of the hardest parts of the recovery process. I prefer to keep my walls up and act like I have it altogether. I think there is especially a tendency for people in religious communities to hide our shortcomings and to put on a happy face at church, but I find the more I am vulnerable and open parts of myself up, the greater healing I find. My wife has pushed me to be honest with her in my recovery, and her love and support have meant the world to me, especially in this area.
- Community. In order to be honest and vulnerable, it’s crucial to find safe people we can open up to. I have found that sticking with groups such as my Live Free community have helped me to experience accountability and authentic community. I wanted to do this journey by myself and for years I tried and wondered why I was making almost no progress. I have found that in genuine community I have found much greater success. We were created to live in community, and we have to intentionally seek out healthy groups and people that we can open up to.
- Self-examination. This might be the most challenging part of all in recovery because of the time and effort it takes. As I mentioned, during my initial foray into recovery I was just hoping to find a way to modify my behavior. I wanted to find the right combination of filters on my devices and quick fixes to change my habits. I wanted an easy solution, but there wasn’t one. However, I knew deep down that there were issues I needed to deal with which were driving my behavior. Like me, you may find yourself having to work through issues you wouldn’t think would impact your recovery. You will likely have to reflect on your past and how it is impacting your present. You may need to walk through things with a therapist, trusted friend, or pastor. There is a lot of solid content related to recovery out there. If you are looking for a great place to start, try the X3 pure workbook and video series from XXXChurch. But don’t stop there – read, listen to podcasts, journal. The more you understand how addictive behaviors work and the more you understand yourself the more progress you will make.
- Embracing a new identity – This is one I am still working on. I believe that a key component of real change is to renew the way I view myself. It’s hard to live out positive life change from a negative self-image (trust me on this one). As a Christian, I have really worked to embrace my identity in Christ. I like the verse, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come, the old has gone, the new is here come.”¹ In this short sentence the Apostle Paul gives a framework for living out of a new identity, that by putting my faith in Jesus I am actually “a new creation”.
Sometimes it’s hard to believe these words are true, especially when I mess up or fall short. But the goal is to keep embracing a new identity. One suggestion in this area is to create some positive affirmations – they can be from scripture or just positive traits you want to create – and then write them down and say them daily. Several guys in my Live Free group have used this tool to help them re-shape their minds and have encouraged me to do the same.
Ultimately, each of must decide what type of change we want to see when it comes to recovery. While shooting for simple sobriety (behavior modification) is not a bad goal, I believe in the long run seeking real change through honesty and vulnerability, community, self-examination, and embracing a new identity can have a far more life changing impact.
- 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NIV)