What comes to mind first when you think of a taboo topic? If you’re like me and you grew up in more conservative circles, you might think of things like sex, porn, masturbation, addiction, even suicide. I could go on. It felt like people had this mentality of “As long as we don’t talk about it, maybe we can pretend it isn’t happening,” or even worse, “If we don’t talk about it, then maybe it WON’T happen”. That’s like the little kid who plays hide & seek by covering their eyes and standing in front of you. If I can’t see you, you must not be able to see me.
Study after study has shown the opposite. By not talking about topics, people get curious, look things up on their own to answer their questions, find unhealthy avenues and bam, things like pornography get discovered or other dangerous activities get played around with; and I promise you people get very hurt, likely you’ve experienced that by now.
What keeps us from talking about things openly? One of the most powerful things is that ugly monster named Shame. Shame is nothing but a liar, it tells us that who we are is bad, that nobody will understand us or what we’ve gone through, or worse yet that we are the only one struggling. Pornography and other addictions are not just something only you struggle with, I can promise you that. There are people all over the country believing the same lies, which is keeping people all over the place from going into the same places and talking about the same issues.
Have you ever heard the phrase “Shame dies when stories are told in safe places”? It takes one person to have courage, walk into a room, stand up and admit their struggling, for another person to be able to say, “Me too”. I recently attended a conference for mental health professionals where in a room of over 8,000 we were asked to yell our biggest insecurities out into the auditorium. That’s right. Talk about nerve wrecking. Do you know how many people were calling out the same ones though?! It was crazy. The seminar then turned into 8,000 mental health professionals pairing up with strangers next to them and praying over each other, combating the lies that Satan was trying to get us to believe.
What if in your recovery you were willing to take a similar approach? I’m not asking you to do so in a room of 8,000. Start with one person. Who is that guy in your small group or men’s bible study, or that sits in the pew in front of you that you’ve been wanting to talk to? What if you admitted your struggle to him, and asked him to pray for you or hold you accountable? And what if, just maybe he admitted that he has had or does have the same struggle too? Odds are if you’re feeling a pull to be more open with someone about your story, there’s something about them that’s telling you they are emotionally safe to talk to. I tell my clients; “Don’t follow your heart but trust your gut about people”.
Honesty is tough, but staying stuck in shame is harder. Topics are only taboo if we let them be. Whenever I do a public speaking event, I try and mention as many taboo topics as I can just to get people comfortable with hearing words like addiction or sex. We must be able to have the hard conversations if we want to heal in community and not only receive the help ourselves but allow our story to help others. Shame is powerful, but you know what’s even more powerful? Honesty to safe and trustworthy people who want to come alongside you in your healing.