We are officially a little more than halfway through the “ber” months, which means the battle of the Holidays is in full swing! Team Thanksgiving–There’s only one Thanksgiving song that I’m aware of (thank you Ben Rector), Christmas starts in December, Tom the Turkey deserves a full month AND I haven’t even finished my pumpkin spice latte! vs Team Christmas–Siri, play Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” on repeat, You know deck them halls and all that stuff, Santa AND Jesus, can I refill your Egg Nog? While there are some very compelling arguments for each side, November does have the potential to prompt us to pause and practice gratitude. What exactly is gratitude and how does it relate to healing and recovery?
Before we dive into what gratitude is, let’s explore some misconceptions. Gratitude is not positive thinking, which tends to minimize, invalidate and dismiss one’s experience and emotions. It sounds something like this: “Good vibes only”, “Just stay positive”, “Other people have it a lot worse than you”, “No negative energy here”. These statements are simply not helpful and tend to suppress unwanted emotions. Gratitude is also not looking for the silver lining, which essentially means attempting to find the positive, make something better or most likely aiming to fix a perceived problem. It sounds something like this, “Well, at least you’re married.”, “At least your Husband disclosed it to you.” And gratitude is not an attitude, which is a way of thinking.
So what is gratitude?
Researcher Brene Brown defines gratitude as “an emotion that reflects our deep appreciation for what we value, what brings meaning to our lives, and what makes us feel connected to ourselves and others.”
And while gratitude is an emotion, in order for us to experience it fully, we must be intentional about making it a practice. The practice of gratitude involves attempting, implementing, possibly failing and trying again. We spend a great deal of time being spectators by watching movies, scrolling on our phones and exploring the internet. The practice of gratitude creates space for us to be participants.
We often use black and white thinking and overlook the belief that two opposing truths can co-exist. This means that we can acknowledge the good alongside the pain and heartache.
“At times I feel ambushed by triggers associated with betrayal trauma AND I’m grateful for the tools and resources to ground myself.”
“Some days are incredibly challenging AND I’m grateful for my support group.”
“My nervous system has been dysregulated AND I’m grateful for the progress in my healing journey.”
“The trust in my marriage has been broken AND I’m grateful for the boundaries that I’ve established to keep me safe.”
“I’m grieving the loss of what I thought my marriage was AND I’m grateful that my Husband is working on his recovery.”
Research suggests that the practice of gratitude benefits us emotionally, mentally as well as physically. Some of those benefits include: quality sleep, increased creativity and decision making skills as well as decreased hostility, aggression and blood pressure, to name a few. The practice of gratitude can enrich our lives in very purposeful ways.
The brain is a fascinating organ! And while trauma does affect the physical brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, the amygdala and the hippocampus, neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to physically rewire itself and create more neural connections. This is very hopeful for healing and recovery. The practice of gratitude can have lasting effects on the brain.
As you begin to implement this new practice, keep a gratitude journal. Be specific about what you are grateful for (people, experiences, skills, memories, places…), elaborate in detail and be consistent with it. Try to aim for 1-3 times a week. Whether you are Team Thanksgiving or Team Christmas, I encourage you to pause the music, silence your phone, put down your latte and reflect upon what you value, what brings meaning to your life and what makes you feel connected.
References: Brown, Brene. Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience. New York, Random House, 2021.