What Does It Really Mean to Love Yourself? 

We hear this phrase a lot: “Love yourself.” I love this idea. But what does it actually mean? 

When I got clean and sober many years ago and began facing my addictions for the first time, someone in recovery shared a perspective that completely reframed the way I viewed my life and my choices: “What you do speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you’re saying.” Essentially—actions speak louder than words. 

Of course, words themselves can be powerful actions. But so can silence. So can a pause. So can change. So can simply showing up and listening. So can a hug, a smile, or a handshake. 

Loving Myself = Right-Sized Self-Esteem 

For me, loving myself has everything to do with my self-esteem—which, throughout my life, has swung dramatically from one extreme to another. At times, I’ve felt like the center of the universe, with an ego the size of the Empire State Building. Other times, I’ve felt like a speck of dust on the bottom of a stranger’s shoe. 

Today (on my good days), I aim to land somewhere in the middle: a human being among other human beings, no more or less important than anyone else. A mentor of mine calls this “right-sized ego strength.”This is where I try to live. And my ability to do so is entirely based on one thing:

My Recent Actions 

Because when my actions align with my values, I can look in the mirror and be content with who I see. I can lie down at night and sleep peacefully. I can look others in the eye and feel a sense of belonging—not too big, not too small, just right-sized. For me, self-love is deeply connected to how I treat other people. 

My Checklist for Self-Love 

To keep myself accountable, I have a little checklist—a way to inventory my behavior and actions. 

1. Am I being honest? Truly honest? (I often need a trusted confidant to help keep me accountable in this area.) 

2. Have I hurt anyone? Stepped on any toes? (If so, I make a plan to own it and correct it.)

3. Am I showing up for my commitments?

4. Am I being kind?

5. Am I being of service to others?

If the answers are yes, I usually feel it. My heart is light, my spirit is clear, and I know I’m in alignment. It doesn’t mean life isn’t hard sometimes—I can’t control that. But it does mean that, no matter what’s happening around me, I have peace inside. 

When I Fall Out of Love with Myself 

If I start racking up no’s on that checklist, I feel that too. And when that happens, I slip into a dangerous place—the place where my addiction starts whispering to me: “You need something to make you feel better. A quick fix. You deserve it. It’ll solve everything.” 

If I listen to that voice, it usually plays out like this: 

Quick fix. 

Temporary high. 

Crash.

Remorse. 

Another fix to numb the pain. 

And the cycle begins again. 

The Other Voice 

But over time, I’ve developed another voice. One that steps in and says: “It’s okay, buddy. You had a little fall. These things happen. The important thing is that you’re being honest with yourself. Now let’s make a plan to get back on track. And I’m here to help you do it.”

That’s the voice I’ve cultivated over years of work. It’s the same voice I try (about 90% of the time) to use with my children. It’s the loving voice. 

And I’ve only been able to develop it through: 

  • Time and experience 
  • A program and set of tools 
  • Help from a confidant and a community 

The Imperfect Path to Self-Love 

The journey hasn’t been perfect. Or maybe imperfection is part of the perfection. Either way, it’s been worth it. Because self-love isn’t about arriving at some perfect version of myself—it’s about how I show up, even when I stumble. It’s about the voice I choose to listen to. And it’s about remembering, every single day, that I have the power to love myself not just in thought, but in action. And so do you.