I have a daughter who is approaching two years old, and her favorite movie is Disney’s Frozen. We watch it just about every single day (after which she immediately asks to listen to the soundtrack!). You might be wondering why I bring up this animated fairy tale in a website devoted to sexual addiction recovery.
It’s because the more I watch this film, the more I see that Frozen is a powerful example of the destructive power of shame – and the grip it can have on a person’s life.
Frozen is the story of two sisters: Elsa and Anna. Elsa discovers early in life that she has special powers – she can create ice and cold with her hands. At first, Elsa enjoys her unique gift, but when her powers cause her to accidentally hurt Anna, her parents freak out. They see her differences as dangerous – a curse rather a blessing.
So, they try to hide Elsa and her powers away from the rest of the world, locking down the palace and cutting off Elsa’s contact with the outside world. Worse, rather than trying to nurture her gift, her parents try to get her to conceal it by always covering her hands with gloves.
“Conceal, don’t feel,” her father tells her. “Don’t let it show.”
The shame and isolation brought on by her parents keep Elsa from having any meaningful connection with others. In the movie’s hit song “Let it Go,” Elsa, who has just built an ice palace to completely shut the world out, intones, “A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I’m the queen.” These lyrics express the powerful grip of shame and isolation that Elsa feels in her soul. (For more about the power of Shame in Frozen check this article¹ out.)
Even though I have seen this movie dozens of times (okay probably more than that!) every time I see Elsa shut the world out, it hurts to watch. How many of us in recovery can relate to that feeling of shame and isolation from our mistakes?
Like Elsa, we become afraid to let others in and put up walls. This further keeps us stuck in our sexual addiction.
The solution, however, is vulnerability and connection.
My favorite character in Frozen is Anna – the heroin in the movie – who keeps chasing after Elsa. No matter how much her older sister tries to hide, Anna won’t give up on her, ultimately laying down her own life to save Elsa. And it is only after Anna sacrifices herself that Elsa realizes how truly loved she is – and that she doesn’t need to stay in a world of shame and isolation anymore.
The ending of Frozen is a close parallel to the gospel story – how God laid down his life for us to take away our sin and shame. In the same way that Anna gives up her own life to save her sister – Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross is even more incredible. He bore all the weight of our shame and failure not only so that we could be saved, but so we could live free.
Jesus says in Luke 4:18 that, “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to set the oppressed free.”² This is good news and it’s this hope that pushes me forward in my own recovery.
Getting out of the shame spiral may not feel easy, especially if it is what you are accustomed to. But if you are willing to try a different path, then healing is possible. That’s where it started for me. I realized that while in some ways staying stuck in my addiction felt comfortable and safe, I knew it did not represent who I was or wanted to become. I also hated how isolated I felt from God and others whenever I acted out. It was when I sought true connection and vulnerability that I began to experience healing and breakthrough.
That first step could look like finding a supportive group like Livefree, where you can find the encouragement, accountability and community you may be longing for. Remember, sin and shame thrive in isolation, but authentic connection will help immensely on your path toward freedom. We are not meant to do this journey alone!
One final note for those who may be thinking, “Wait, I am not supposed to feel bad about what I’ve done?” I think it’s important to pause and recognize that shame is different than healthy guilt. As my own small groups online leader likes to say, “Guilt says ‘I did wrong.’ Shame says, ‘I am wrong.’”
Acknowledging our mistakes and feeling sorry for our poor choices is healthy. It can lead to positive changes in our mindsets and actions. On the other hand, staying stuck in feeling like our struggles define who we are, as though we are hopelessly lost and don’t deserve connection with anyone – well that’s toxic shame.
The good news is we don’t have to stay there anymore. Through the hope God offers we can take a different path and find true connection and healing.
- “Melting the Shame in Disney’s Frozen” 2017. Lyon, Brett. Center for Healing Shame. https://healingshame.com/articles/melting-the-shame-freeze-in-disneys-frozen-bret-lyon-phd
- Luke 4:18 NIV