When I start counseling a new client, typically I tell them, “Often times I’m going to sound like that annoying toddler who just keep asking why all the time. Why? Because there’s a reason behind who we are and what we do.” I also tell people that it’s my job to help them get out of their comfort zone in a way that feels safe.
True change and recovery cannot happen when we are staying in our comfort zone.
This is one of the many reasons why we must be willing to have the hard conversations. Hard conversations rupture a system and allow us to repair it and put it back together with a new foundation.
Believe it or not, there are three levels of making change. First order change, for example, is also called behavior modification. I could “just stop” watching porn, or drinking alcohol, etc. and on the surface that sounds great. But that’s just it, on the surface. More than likely that is short term change, and it may be just to appease someone else.
Second order change goes a bit beyond this and changes patterns as we examine beliefs and values.
By the time we get to third order change we are allowing God to transform who we are on the inside. Letting him revamp our understanding of ourselves and the world around us. THIS is why we must be willing to ask why, have hard conversations, and hear the hard answers.
True recovery is not just about modifying a behavior. It’s about understanding why that behavior was there in the first place.
It’s about restructuring our life to do things differently and look at the world around us differently.
True recovery is figuring out what is it that we are afraid to face, or maybe what we don’t know how to face because nobody gave us the tools, or because it’s just plain too painful.
Porn and other vices are sometimes avoidance techniques we develop to not deal with what scares us or looks unfamiliar.
So please have the hard conversations, folks. It’s difficult. We’ve established that. But you know what? If we care about the person on the other side of the conversation, we must show them that and allow ourselves to go there with them as our teammate.
It’s not you vs. them, it’s both of you vs. the problem.
Vulnerability breeds intimacy, remember that.