Over the years I’ve talked to and worked with a lot of men, specifically in this area of unwanted sexual behavior. And one thing I’ve heard often from single (especially younger single) men is that they think they will get rid of their masturbation and porn problems once they get married.
On the surface, it sounds logical. Right?
If I use porn, visit strip clubs, and/or masturbate to get sexual satisfaction when I’m single, once I’m married I won’t need those things.
And so what happens, especially in Christian circles, is that single people feel more and more pressure to find that special person, so they can live a life together that is happy, healthy, and sexually fulfilling. A life free of porn, regret, and shame. Kind of the church-world’s version of a happily ever after ending.
This pressure can especially feel overwhelming around this time of year when all the focus is on Valentine’s Day, romance, and sex.
But as many have found out, this is not so. In fact, often people who struggle with porn and other unwanted sexual behavior act out even more frequently once they are in a committed relationship.
Seems odd, right?
But it makes perfect sense when you understand that porn use, masturbation, etc. is not about sex, but rather regulation.
Understand that as mammals we have an innate need for safety. When we lack safety we feel threatened and when we feel threatened we focus our efforts on immediate survival and not long-term satisfaction and growth.
Why does this matter?
Because for the mammal, safety is found in connection.
Consequently, when we lack secure connection in our lives, we struggle. We struggle emotionally and physically, often turning to maladaptive dopamine-releasing behaviors like porn use to keep us feeling detached, so we can emotionally survive.
As a result, when we engage in these mechanisms for sexual release we are able to find temporary comfort from life’s struggles and anxieties. Over time, this builds within us an understanding that if we are to stay free of our unwanted sexual behaviors, we need a committed relationship (i.e. marriage) to offer us the sexual release we need.
But sexual release is not the same as real connection. And that is where it gets a little confusing.
For the Christian, marriage offers both the promise of connection and sexual fulfillment. But these things are not synonymous, nor do they offer the same benefits to our connection-seeking brain.
Recognize that the primary brain systems involved with our sex drive vs. human romantic love and connection are very different. Anthropologist Helen E. Fisher, PhD noted in her paper Romantic Love: A Mammalian Brain System for Mate Choice some of these differences as follows:1
- The sex drive is focused on sexual union while romantic love is focused on emotional union.
- The sex drive is focused on a range of individuals while romantic love is focused on one specific individual.
- The sex drive can be temporarily suppressed or satisfied with sex while the need for romantic love persists and does not decrease even after having sex.
So when we understand these differences between our emotional needs and our sexual needs, it becomes imperative that we seek out our romantic relationships for the right reason because “[our] craving for emotional union supersedes [our] craving for sexual union.”2
This is why when we are in a relationship, and we experience times of stress, disagreement, separation, or rejection, even if we are having sex with our spouse, we still feel a powerful draw to things like porn and masturbation.
Because the presence of sex in our relationship does not solve the need for secure connection.
And even when we get married for the right reasons and love our spouse the way we should, there will still be times when our brain gets tested. There will be occasions when our sense of connection gets threatened. And if we haven’t learned how to regulate our emotions in a healthy way, we are very likely going to return to old unhealthy habits.
So…
Will marriage provide sexual satisfaction? Possibly.
Will marriage give me a sense of connection and safety? Sometimes but not always.
But, will marriage fix me and my unwanted sexual behavior issues? Not likely.
This is why we need to find sources of unconditional love and community while engaging in the process of real recovery if we are to find lasting freedom from the unwanted sexual behaviors that plague our lives.
Because we need secure and real connection, not just sex.
We need to heal our minds if we are to heal our hearts. And we can’t do that if we keep chasing after “fixes” to replace our lack of healthy emotional regulation.Fisher,
1Helen E., et al. “Romantic Love: A Mammalian Brain System for Mate Choice.” Philosophical Transactions: Biological Sciences, vol. 361, no. 1476, 2006, pp. 2173–86. JSTOR, http://www.jstor.org/stable/20209808. Accessed 6 Feb. 2023.
2Ibid