Over the last few months I have read blogs and posts about women feeling they have been cheated on when they find out that their husband or boyfriend has been looking at porn. My opinion on the subject has changed after hearing women share their feeling (my wife included) and paying more attention to what the bible has to say. Guys, this is not an issue to be taken lightly. We all know that men are visual creatures. We are attracted to what we see. Women on the other hand go more on emotions. They love to have attention payed to them, flowers, candy and night out. They want to spent time getting to know you. This is where our worlds seem to collide.
All women and I mean all women want to feel beautiful,be told they are beautiful.Women work hard and spend lots of money to try an look “pretty” for us guys. They hate to be described as a nice or sweet girl. In the language of women that equals UGLY! That would be like a women telling you “lets just be friends”. So when your wife or girlfriend finds out you are a porn junkie it does make them feel inadequate.
I remember back to right after I got married that I would go out to the strip clubs from time to time with they guys. My wife knew it, hey I was the guy with the cool wife who didn’t care that i went to the clubs. Meredith would always tell my friends “i don’t care if he goes”. I was the man! Everyone else had to make up a lie about where the guys were going. Not me my wife didn’t care. Meredith use to say something else that at the time didn’t bother me but now makes me feel like a dog. She would say “i don’t care if he goes” but it didn’t end their she would always add “because he is not going to see anything like that at home”. Like I said I use to think I had the best wife in the world because she “allowed” me to go to the strip clubs. Looking back I was too stupid to see the damage I was causing.
I do want to set the record straight. I have always thought that my wife was beautiful and I find her more beautiful each day both physically and emotionally. I hurt her bad those first years we were married and she loved me enough to try and hide her true feelings. While I was out with the boys at the club she was home by herself knowing that her husband was out looking at other women naked. It was some years later that I found out her true feelings. She told me that when I went to the clubs or looked at porn she felt like that she was not doing her job as a wife to satisfy me and that she didn’t live up to certain standards. She even went on to say that I might as well have cheated on her because thats the way I made her feel. I thought she was crazy when she said that. Cheating? I am just looking not touching. It’s like window shopping, right? Not really the bible says in Matthew 5:27-28 You have heard it said , Do not commit adultry. But i tell you that anyone who looks at a women lustfully has already comitted adultry with her in his heart.Those are powerful words straight from the mouth of Jesus. My wife was right (don’t let her) I might as well have cheated on her. This verse says if you look, which is what you are doing at the clubs or while consuming porn. You are not thinking about grandma’s homemade cookies. Jesus is not condemning natural interest in the opposite sex or even healthy sexual desire but the deliberate and repeated filling of ones mind with fantasies that would be evil if acted out.
The power of lust is strong. Being that we are visual Satan uses that against us. I’m not going to lie it is a tough fight. Images are constantly shoved in your face. You cant even drive down the road without sexual images being thrown at you. Sex sells and businesses are using it all the time. I saw a billboard advertising laminate flooring with a girl stretched out in a bikini. In my opinion there is something wrong if you cant sell flooring with out using a half naked women.
What can we do about it? I have been very transparent over the last few weeks in my blogs and this week is going to be no different. Ok here I go and this is a tough one to admit….I like some country music. Ok there I said it, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There is a country song that made it big a few years ago called “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood. There is one line in this song that says it all “maybe next time he will think before he cheats”. That is exactly what we need to do THINK! You know when your mind starts to wonder. Think about something else. Do like I do, if I see a beautiful women and I feel like I am looking longer than I should I start singing a gospel song. How can I lust after a women and sing about Jesus at the same time. I cant. This may not work for you. Find something that does. Also put up some safeguards on your TV and computer. Have someone put the parental lock on your TV with a code that you cant figure out. On your PC get software like Safe Eyes or download X3 Watch. The next and hardest thing you need to do is talk about it. Get with your wife a friend and let them know your struggles. Get them off your back and out in front of you. I work in corrections and if i am going to get attacked by an inmate i want him in front of me where I can have a fighting chance rather than having him behind me not knowing what is coming my way. Don’t be afraid.This is one of those things that is easier said than done. SIDE NOTE TO PASTORS:You need to talk about these issues with your congregation.Do them a favor. You would be surprised at how many people in your church have these struggles. Start a small group or a Sunday School class dedicated to the subject. Go out on a limb and make it a couples class, talk about sexual issues. Don’t be scared about what other church members might think. You are the shephard of your flock and you need to do what is best for them. You will be held accountable to God for what you did and didn’t do.Don’t let a few members run HIS house. I am not sure who made this statement but it is 100% true “Bad change will cause your people to leave church. Good change will cause people to leave your church”. Back on track the last and most important thing to help with your struggle is a relationship with Jesus. Jesus already knows our struggles he just wants us to ask him to help and he will. I know he continues to guide me everyday. Jesus and knowing his word is your best defense.
We just need to man up and realize that we are cheating when we look at porn and lust after other women. Think about the pain you are causing the lady in your life. As i always say in closing you are not alone in your battle and there are people here to help. That is why i do what i do..to help. Take care and until next week stay strong and don’t give up.
LOVE JESUS/LOVE PEOPLE