3 Mistakes to Avoid When Protecting Your Kids from Porn

Here’s a fact for you. 

The average parent wants to protect their kids from seeing porn. The reasons for this are many and completely understandable. This rings even truer when we are dealing with Christian parents or parents from some sort of faith background.

Here’s another fact.

Parents, you can’t completely protect your kids from seeing porn. I’m not saying it doesn’t happen, but that would be the decided exception to the rule more than the rule itself. In today’s digital and sex saturated world there is a high degree of certainty that your child will some day be exposed to pornography. 

Sorry for the bad news 🙁

But, that does not mean you can’t do our best to minimize those exposures. It’s one thing recognizing reality, it’s another just throwing up your hands in frustration and giving up completely. The former is sensible, the later is irresponsible. 

It’s kind of like the sun’s damaging rays and your skin.

You are going to have moments in your life when your skin is exposed to the harmful UV rays of the sun. That’s almost a certainty. But, going outdoors when the sun is shining full strength without using sunblock is just plain stupid. 

In other words, you do the best you can.

However, there is a decidedly wrong way to handle your kids and their access to technology in your efforts to reduce their risk of seeing mature content. And it all comes down to one word… Trust.

If in your efforts to protect your kids you erode trust with them, it’s generally not going to turn out well. But yet, I see parents resort to all sorts of sneaky measures to “shield” their kids from the evils of the world which ultimately backfires in the long run.

For instance…

This week I had a parent complaining to my wife and me about her 12 year old son and his misuse of his iPhone. The word “porn” did not come up, but it was pretty clear that from her comments it was one of her concerns. She basically felt hopelessly ill prepared to handle the unfettered access he had to apps and the internet.

When I told her about Screen Time (Apple’s parental controls) and everything it could do she was completely shocked. She had no idea there was such a thing and then asked me to walk her through the settings right there on the spot with her son only 3-4 feet away.

Mistake #1: Not taking the time to understand the technology your kids have access to.

This may seem almost common sense but it is shocking how many parents have no clue how to operate or safeguard the devices they give their kids or the media channels they allow them to have access to.

Parental controls… What are those?
Porn on Instagram… Really?
Kids are using Snapchat to send naked pics to each other… Seriously?

And the list of ridiculous questions go on.

Understand that a big part of being a responsible parent and protecting your kids is doing the homework up front. Do your research. Watch some tutorials. Read a few reviews. It’s not that dang hard.

And then do what you need to do to make sure that the digital Pandora’s box you are giving them has some limitations and safeguards to help keep them from going off the rails. Or, in the case of social media platforms, simply tell them “no” for now until they are old enough to use those sites and apps responsibly.

Which leads me to …

Mistake 2: Not being up front about why you are limiting their access.

The mom I was talking to was super giddy about the new found parental power I had just shown her. But her 12 year old was within ear shot and started asking questions.

“Mom, what are you doing with my phone?”
“What are you changing?”
“Are you taking my phone away?”

I watched their back and forth and each time he asked her a question she just tried to minimize everything saying “nothing you need to worry about” and “he’s just showing me some stuff – it’s nothing.”

Except it was something. 

She was about to completely shift his experience and access to the online world he had come to enjoy. Except she wasn’t explaining why or even acknowledging the need to do so. She just hoped he wouldn’t notice… which of course he eventually would.

Whenever my wife and I set restrictions on our kids’ access or use of certain apps and sites, we always tell them so and explain the reasoning. We don’t try to slip it by them. And, equally important is that when we explain the need to set restrictions we make it clear that it’s not a trust issue with them, but us just trying to make sure that they are not exposed to stuff that could harm them.

This requires some honest conversations that last a lot longer than one offhanded dismissive sentences such as, “Because we said so,” but it’s worth the time and effort and helps reinforce our child’s view of us as protectors and caregivers, rather than the anti-fun police.

Obviously it’s best to have these conversations up front when you give them a new device or access, but if you haven’t it’s not too late. You just need to tread a little more carefully and own the fact that you kinda dropped the ball in this situation but want to make amends at this point.

Also worth mentioning is that as your kids get older you may (and honestly should) allow them the opportunity to prove their sense of responsibility by gradually loosening app restrictions and access. 

But again, make it clear that you are doing so because of their excellent habits and that increased privilege means increased trust and responsibility; and if their responsibility can’t keep up with their increased privilege you’ll have no issues going back to square one.

Mistake 3: Lie when you get caught.

After the woman’s son had peppered her with questions for several minutes, out of desperation she just flat out lied and said she wasn’t doing anything and would need his phone if she were to make any changes (which is not the case).

Parents… don’t lie!

Take the time to explain things. Yea, they might get hot and bothered in the short run but keep your cool and remind them that you love them and need to do what you feel will set them up for the greatest success. And, if you are tweaking things because they’ve mishandled themselves don’t be afraid to tell them so, but with the understanding that there’s always grace and nothing is forever. They just need to prove that they can handle the great responsibility you’ve given them.

TRUST IS KEY!

Because it all comes down to this… 

They will most likely see porn.
They will most likely want access to things that aren’t safe.
They most likely will make mistakes along the way.

And if the trust levels are high enough they will be more apt to come to you with their questions rather than just sneaking around and trying to find workarounds to the safeguards you’ve set up. 

Be upfront.
Be honest.
Be reasonable.

And this way when it comes to working with your children and their use of technology it will feel more like a partnership and less like totalitarian control.

And as always, visit our Office Hours page to submit any questions that you have about these types of conversations with your children or any other topic. Also, check out our Resource Marketplace for resources geared to helping parents in this area.