I have two amazing children (I know – I’m their dad, so I’m bias and supposed to say that). But it’s true!
My son is now thirteen and my daughter is sixteen so, and to be honest… It often surprises me when I hear some of the things my kids talk about such as stuff their peers say at school, or anything they see in the media these days.
But what surprises me, even more, is how inadequately prepared many parents are when it comes to talking with their kids about “sensitive” topics like sex.
Moms and dads, we have a tough job.
Balancing wisdom with prudence is a full-time endeavor, but talking to our children should not be that hard. We just have to make sure the way we approach these conversations proves to be beneficial rather than destructive.
So, with that in mind, I want to give you 5 tips for talking with your kids – specifically when it comes to sex, masturbation, porn, etc.
Tip 1: Never let them see you sweat.
I know that’s a slogan for a popular deodorant brand, but when you talk to your kids about anything, especially topics concerning sex and sexuality, you can’t show them your level of discomfort (even though it will often be undeniable).
You need to exude “coolness” and give off the air that this conversation is nothing new to you, and you are ready to jump in with both feet and no parachute.
Yes, this is not easy, but if you want your kids to have enough confidence in and comfort with you to ask the type of things you really want them asking you and not Googling the “answers” to, then they need to know mom and dad are not going to freak out when the time comes.
Tip 2: Be honest, even if it’s painful.
Let’s just get this objection out of the way… being cool doesn’t mean being fake.
Understand, it’s only a matter of time until your kids ask you something that you really don’t want to answer. For instance, in my case, it was the time my daughter asked me if I ever struggled with porn while we were at a crowded Phillies game!
That was a rough moment. I knew that my answer was not going to be the one she was hoping to hear. But I was honest. And yes, tears ensued. But in the end, it was the best choice and resulted in us growing even closer.
We all want to maintain a good image, especially when it comes to our kids. But, honesty truly is the best policy, and so we need to model integrity, not just pretend we have it.
Why?
Because kids respect honesty FAR more than authority.
The truth may hurt. It will likely get uber uncomfortable. There may even be times you second guess yourself when your child doesn’t react so well (such as the case with my daughter). But honesty will pay HUGE dividends when it comes to building an authentic and meaningful relationship with your kids.
Tip 3: Only use fear as a motivator sparingly.
Machiavelli once said that it is better to be feared than loved, and while that type of thinking may work in shows like The Sopranos, it’s a terrible method of parenting.
Don’t misunderstand me. I want my kids to have a healthy amount of respect when I tell them not to do something, and yes, a little fear when it comes to specific situations. For example, when I’m yelling at my kids to get out of the street because a car is coming, I don’t really want or care to explain why. I want them to know by my tone of voice that I mean business and if they don’t listen, their day is going to take a turn downward. In those moments I’m more worried about their immediate safety than their feelings and the possible therapy that might be needed later.
But when I tell them that looking at porn or having sex before they get married is not a wise choice, I don’t want them to respond out of fear. That won’t work in the long run. Fear of punishment (mine or God’s) and/or fear of pregnancy and disease will have a hard time competing with the pleasure of an orgasm.
Ultimately, dos and don’ts are no match for why’s and wherefores.
You aren’t going to scare your kids into making good decisions. You need to walk with them through it. Explain the long-term implications of their choices and not just the short-term consequences. Acknowledge the perceived “value” they may see in decisions that may seem fun at the time but aren’t smart. And then present healthier alternatives along with the reason those alternatives will provide them far more benefit in the end.
Tip 4: Be PROactive not REactive
It’s important for your kids to be able to talk to you, but it’s just as important (if not more) for you to talk to them.
I’m not saying to be a smotherer who is always pestering them with questions about every little detail of their life. Just show a little interest in what’s going on in their little world.
Let them know you care because they matter.
Let them see that talking about all areas of life is not a bad thing and open dialogue is valuable and something they should pursue, not avoid. This way, hopefully, you’ll have the opportunity to address sensitive topics before they hear misinformation from someone else (like a punk at school).
Don’t practice knee-jerk parenting because it sucks being the last one to the party.
Tip 5: Always make room on the table for anything that hits it.
My wife and I always tell our kids the same thing: nothing conversation is off-limits.
You wanna talk about video games? Cool
You wanna talk about poop and farts? Solid. (Yes, at age 13 that’s still something my son in particular finds hilarious)
You wanna talk about sex? Yes, let’s do this!
I know the temptation is to shelter our children because we don’t want to expose them to the dark world we know all too well, but when kids think there are boundaries on certain topics they’ll still talk about it, but it won’t be with you.
In the end, the key to having open dialogue with your kids about matters of sex, porn, and the like is relatively simple, just maybe not always easy.
You need to talk.
You need to be open.
You need to be empathetic and understanding.
There. Easy as that.
Talking to your children about this stuff is not an art form that requires years of training. It’s not a secret formula. And you don’t need to hire a coach or buy a $2,000 course.
It’s simple.
Be honest. Be open. Be ready to talk about whatever comes your way.
Now go have some uncomfortable fun 🙂
Lastly, if you need some help getting these conversations going, check out the Very Good Sex Talk course in our Resource Marketplace. As always, if you have any questions about what we talked about in this post, please reach out to us through Office Hours and we will be sure to answer your questions!