Once more here is another blog from our friends at Safe Eye’s. If you are looking for a great filter for your family this is a great program and very user friendly.

What should you do when you catch a spouse or child looking at porn? Dr. Robi provides some psychological background and a few tips:

There are different types of motivation for behavioral change: negative and positive. Negative motivation focuses on what I don’t want in my life (what I hate). Positive motivation focuses on what I do want in my life (what I love). One type of motivation seeks to replace something because it’s deficient; the other recognizes something is worth protecting or investing in, because it’s valuable.

Negative motivation typically comes from a place of guilt about our actions because they are at odds with our identity. In psychology, this experience is called cognitive dissonance. Shame creeps in when we start to hate ‘who’ we are becoming, based on our repeated poor behavioral choices.

Feelings of guilt and shame contribute to a sense of worthlessness and emotional pain. Our brain perceives these feelings as a threat and therefore seeks after pleasure (even if it’s transient pleasure from the very activity that ultimately made us feel guilty and ashamed in the first place). In the absence of personal esteem, we fail to stand up to the temptation and give in – time and time again. This relapse cycle has been well established in scientific literature on addictions.

Rather than condemning our loved ones, we have the capacity to help set them free. When we understand that it’s more effective to highlight someone’s strengths than continually point out their weaknesses, our loved ones become encouraged to reach their potential. Any behavior that’s inconsistent with their identity and purpose quickly becomes self-evident. When a person recognizes their value and chooses to engage in right choices (behaviors in line with personal beliefs about themselves), they exercise character. Character is significant insomuch that it helps determine both the amount and durability of a person’s self worth.

How can we encourage the development of character in our loved ones and highlight their value?

Dr. Robi