I’m a Daddy’s girl.
Or at least, that’s what I always wanted to be. Growing up, my Dad watched pornography pretty regularly, and I wanted nothing more than to make him want to look toward and spend time with me.
So in my child-like thinking, if I could dress like them, then I could be a Daddy’s girl! That year for Halloween, I insisted my Mom buy me a Playboy bunny costume with a black dance leotard, high heels, and fishnet stockings.
I was 11 years old.
But my quiet and introverted father continued to reject me, look away when I was around and was told by my mother that I could only be hugged by him in her presence. So hugs became a rarity.
“That’s just the way your father is,” she reminded me. Implying, all my Dad is can be excused because he has animal instincts and can’t control himself.
I began to blame myself. Was I not smart enough? I got straight A’s in school. Was I not talented enough? I was well on my way to mastering the violin because he played the piano and I wanted to capture his respect. No matter how many blue ribbons I won, it never worked.
I just wasn’t pretty enough, I decided.
That had to be why my Dad didn’t spend time talking to, being with, and being appropriately affectionate with me.
So, in my shame and self-loathing at age 13, I dropped 40 pounds, starting dressing like an adult, wearing makeup, and learned how to speak to capture the attention of my Dad.
None of it worked.
At least, it didn’t work for my Dad, but I captured attention all right. And it was all the WRONG kind of attention.
That lasted for 11 years.
When I got to the end of my rope, I cried out to God and asked Him if He had any way to stop me from the hookup culture. My very simple prayer to stop was this:
“God, if You are real – stop me and I’ll give you my life!”
This FINALLY got my Daddy’s attention! My Heavenly Father, that is.
My earthly father never wanted to give up pornography, strippers, or any of the other activities he chose to do. And he spent his whole life, including his last days, engaged in the same behaviors I saw the 43 years I knew him.
But God, my Heavenly Father, for the past 21 years, has lavished His attention and affection on me.
God gave me a husband who also struggled with porn, strippers, and other sexual brokenness. But at the very beginning of our relationship, my husband found xxxchurch.com and it gave him encouragement to change.
He found a safe place that didn’t just treat him like he was an animal who had to be given a set of behaviors to follow. Rather, he was treated like a godly man, who needed help to get his identity from God rather than from pleasure.
He replaced shame and self-loathing from repeated failure, with grace and God’s goodness in getting support with godly men. In time, my husband broke free of pornography, strippers, drinking, and all of that lifestyle.
My husband gave his life over fully to Jesus!
I’ve experienced the joys of freedom in my sexually redeemed marriage. Also, the agony of defeat in watching the devastation of my father’s detrimental choices and how it hurt my family for seven decades before he passed away.
Thankfully, I learned to have peace in both sets of circumstances.
More than anything, I can see how I have only been able to have this peace because I am now a Daddy’s girl. My Heavenly Father wants to spend time with me. He pursues me daily, loves me unconditionally, and accepts all of me, warts and all.
Rather than my own shame and self-loathing from my sexually broken past, I am filled with joy because I now have a Dad who loves me, truly loves me, for just being me. He has forgiven me. And He is always available to meet me right where I’m at. The Daddy I always longed for…
And this type of relationship can be true for you, as well. Whether you are the daughter of a porn addict or a father who struggles with pornography, there is healing, hope, and true lasting change that can happen with accountability and trusting God.
God can forgive ANYTHING and wants to have a relationship with YOU.
Become who you have always wanted to be, who you were actually made to be. Today.
And as always, if you have any questions about this or need any advice on your sexual and/or recovery journey, ask us anything you want HERE and we’ll answer your question in an upcoming Office Hours segment.